Sabbath-keeping

I am taking a risk by sharing this not because it is surprising or appalling but because I do not know if we (I) will follow through with it. This is how we discovered the life-rhythm that we are going to try and keep:

I picked up Living Prayer by Robert Benson because after Jeremy Bell spoke at our church I really wanted to connect with God and some books just do it for me. In the book Benson talks about how praying through the Book of Common Prayer accomplished a work in him because he prayed it regularly and the practice of it changed him in a way that he didn't expect. He mentioned that many of us put great importance on prayers that are spontaneous and passionate while we miss out on the transformation that comes with praying regularly whether we want to or not. Especially praying prayers that are shared by believers all over the world. Also, the rhythm of praying at certain times of the day marks the passage of time so that you are more aware of your day and more present in it. I mentioned this to Dan, the idea of starting and ending the day with prayer using a prayer book and he seemed immediately excited about it. I ordered Phyllis Tickle's The Divine Hours for Spring and Summer. Benson and one of my favorite women, Barb Mutch, have both commented on how much you feel the absence of a rhythm of prayer once you've lived it for a while.

I remembered that my friend Brendon had given me a book called Living the Christian Year. It fit well because it outlined the seasons of the Christian calendar and had weekly meditations but it didn't have daily prayers so it seemed appropriate to use it as an overarching guide.

After hearing Joyce Rees speak at our work retreat, I felt that it was important to re-instate the practice of Sabbath. For Dan and I, Sabbath runs from Sat midnight to Sunday midnight. We do this so that we are more productive, rested, joyful and so that we remember that we are not God (a thought that is still a shock to me).

This is our rhythm: daily morning and evening prayers, weekly Sunday readings throughout the Christian year, a full Sabbath day.

Yesterday was our first Sabbath day. Sat was full of good productive things that didn't really even feel like work because they were so enjoyable and I felt ready to take a day of rest. Sunday was church day, followed by a lunch of big unhealthy burgers with friends afterwards. I had a long unexpected nap in the afternoon while Dan played a video game. I read a lot and then I started to feel anxious because there was nothing that I really had to do and also because I'm not used to there being such a clear separation between days of work and obligation and days of rest and life-giving things. A somewhat unhealthy supper of Velveeta shells. Then we walked the trail through the trees by our house while Dan kicked a soccer ball and we talked about how natural it felt that we were together and how we couldn't imagine being married to anyone else. I think that's a good way to celebrate if Sabbath is a day of celebration.

We are only a day into the week and already I am having trouble keeping Sabbath free for next Sunday. Keeping the day free means that errands and housework need to be done either on Fri or Sat, which inevitably means that we can't agree to do the 6(!) things that we were invited to do this weekend, which of course means anxiety for me. But also we're introverts so running constantly for two straight days usually results in exhaustion, strained ways of relating to each other and distance from God. And also I'm pregnant so I'm purposely doing even less than normal. Have I even typed those words yet? To my 5 blog followers, I'm pregnant! The one thing that I'm actually looking forward to on Sunday is that Steve Roadhouse from Gull Lake camp is leading worship at our church and I'm really excited because both times that I've been in contact with him I've been incredibly blessed.

So there you are, the rhythm of our life for however long we can keep it.

 

Books, brokenness, truth

Yesterday was a good day. I got 3 books in the mail (God in the Dark by Luci Shaw, The Echo Within and Digging In, both by Robert Benson). I'm halfway through God in the Dark and I remember clearly why I loved it so much the first time. The book is a collection of journal entries by Luci about her husband's journey and eventual death from lung cancer. She writes some beautiful things. I told Dan that I love reading books about real people struggling through tough circumstances because I like to be reminded that God is present in everything and it gives me courage to know that others have doubts but still find reason to trust God. I don't find it morbid; I think that we are more attune to God during times of struggle because we are more helpless, but I also think that pain and suffering connect us to others in a more profound way. Dan and I are different when it comes to these books; he will not read anything that has to do with cancer.

One phrase that Luci recorded was something that her husband said to her when she stopped on the way home to get milk: He said "Do you know why I always like to give you more than you'll need? Because I love you!" This declaration dug deeper the first time that I read it years ago because I had such a chasm of need inside. This time it made me feel thankful because I can picture Dan saying it to me but also because I immediately pictured God saying it to us. We are incredibly blessed right now and I'm not oblivious to it.

I am growing up. I know this because I used to think that in the face of a broken world if a person did or said the right things or spent enough time with God, they could heal anything. I did not understand that brokenness is something that is here to stay until God removes the veil between heaven and earth. I have been remembering my life. I have had to end destructive friendships in order to save myself, but I am still saddened at the loss. I have ended relationships in ministry because of disrespect and struggle, but I wonder if I'd had a different understanding of myself whether I could have persevered. I look back and realize that in my naiveté I made some choices that hurt others and I may never have the chance to bring healing. These are heavy things to carry even when I am free of many of the burdens in my life.

I have always been fond of John 8:32: "Then you will experience for yourselves the truth, and the truth will free you." There are interpretations to this verse that I am not qualified to make, but this is what is has meant for me: When I face the reality of my life for what it is and not for what I want it to be or for what I thought it would be, I am free to deal with it as it is. I can face it head on. When I live honestly (not only free of secrets but also showing my true self), when I can mend past hurts by admitting my faults, when I can speak truth instead of lies - I am free to live without reservation, without blame, without burden. This is something I love about Dan and I. We have shared our secrets and we do not keep new ones. We speak truthfully so that we do not need to spend our time covering up past lies. We work to heal open wounds so that we do not carry around unnecessary regret. This way of living is very special to me because I am freed in thought, in time and in energy to do more important things.

 

Do you like me?

For many complicated reasons, I grew up thinking that it was bad if someone didn't like me. This inevitably led to many years of feeling too unsafe to be myself unless someone first showed me a bit of acceptance. The result was that I was very quiet and didn't want to draw attention to myself so I often probably came across as if I had no personality. I don't remember if I ever went out of my way to make sure that everyone liked me, but I couldn't understand it if I found out that someone didn't like me – after all, if you don't make waves, how can anyone disapprove of you? Still, people found reasons not to like me because I did well in school, or because guys liked me (who knows why), or maybe because I was so darn good at playing the recorder (this is true.) Wanting everyone to like you is a terrible burden.

I'm slowly learning that people don't like you for their own reasons, most commonly because they want to be more like you and it's annoying to want to be like someone else. It's also a fact of life that not all people are compatible. Some people just drive you crazy. And some people don't like you because they make assumptions about who you are and don't actually take the time to find out the truth.

Dan had the same trouble when he was younger and he's taught me to go through a simple thought process when others make comments or judgments about who I am: I ask myself "Does what this person have to say match what I know to be true about myself? Do I trust this person or do I even care what they think based on what I know of them?"

So the reason for my post today is because I'm having trouble getting through a situation with a person for whom I've answered no to the above questions. A couple of posts ago I wrote about a co-worker who had made a condescending remark to me in an email. The actual situation has been addressed with a resolution still pending, however I'm finding it tough to work with someone who thinks that I'm careless or disorganized (insert willy-nilly) or just incompetent. I find myself wondering every time I write down a number or send in paperwork whether I'm giving this person more reason to think that I should be working at McDonalds. It's very uncomfortable. It's unpleasant to feel like one person's actions can overrule whatever anyone else thinks. That's all.

Money Money

This morning I paid off two of my student loans using our some of our income tax refund. They were loans that I've had for probably over 10 years, ones that I took out I think during my first couple years of university. I remember back then that I thought school was a good idea but I had no concept of what it took to pay for it. Getting student loans was an easy thing. Although I don't totally regret going to university, I regret the context in which I decided to go. I wish that I'd had more sense of how much work it would take, how much money it would cost, how long it would take me to be free of the debt, and whether it would really benefit me practically in the long run. Anyway, I still have two big loans left, one of which is for my most recent accounting diploma. I don't mind paying it because I actually really appreciate the skills that it gave me. The one left from university is just an elephant on my back.

I feel really good about how we've been handling our finances. My mom was really good at budgeting when we were growing up, but I somehow grew up without any awareness of what it meant to take care of my money. Before Dan and I got married, Dan had a good job and not a lot to pay for so he was used to having a large amount of disposable income, while I had a decent job and much more debt. When you put the two of us together in a new province, it didn't bode well for our finances. Two books really inspired me to take a hard look at the reality of our money situation: Inside Out by Larry Crabb and Debt Free Forever by Gail Vaz-Oxlade. The first made me realize that if we didn't take our money seriously, one day we would have a crisis and we'd have no financial options with which to deal with it. The second showed me how to start taking control. I really love that book, especially the beginning where you have to assess your current financial situation; I actually tracked every one of our expenses for 6 months to see where we were spending our money. The book actually suggests building a certain type of budget that divides your life into sections with each section taking up a certain amount of your money. Our budget was a bit skewed because our housing costs were so low and our debt was so high, and we created a disbursement schedule so we can divide our bills and savings over the two paydays. It's probably too complicated for most people (I don't mean that condescendingly), but I really like having the detail and knowing that we're not missing anything that will pop up as a surprise later. Dan being overseas really helped our finances, which is nice because if you're going to go through hell, it's nice to come out the other side with a bit of money. We've now paid off our bank loan, our line of credit, 3 of my student loans and our maxed out credit card, we've saved money for our trip to New York and we're only about 2 years away from paying off our car (which was initially financed with terms that no one should agree to).

Anyway, I feel really thankful for Dan. He's worked really hard to earn his money and he shares it with me as if it's mine. He lets me take care of where our money goes and doesn't complain much when I give him a bi-monthly allowance. Mostly though, he's just a great husband. He works hard despite the fact that he works for people who are idiots, he rarely complains about how tough things are because he doesn't want me to worry and he always helps out around the house. He's also my favorite person to talk to because he's smart and logical but he's kind and fair, he's insightful and helpful but he mostly listens to me and lets me figure out life on my own. And he's so funny that I laugh noticeably less when I'm not around him. And there's one more reason, but I can't share it yet. J

Good days

Last night after my awful day I had a delicious supper made by my friends Shane & Mary Jane and I got to hang out for a long time with 4 other great ladies. When Dan and I first moved we really prayed that I'd be surrounded by community while he was training and on deployment. It wasn't long after that that I met Mary Jane and her friendship got me through the tough beginnings. Then I made more friends and last night I realized that I had 4 close friends that I think are just great and I actually have more than that because our small group is great too! I'm so blessed.

It's been two months since The Mustard Seed opened its first low-income apartment building. We've had about 4 tenants so far because the selection process is very specific for very good, important reasons. There are a lot of concerns when you venture into giving this kind of support for people who have been homeless for a significant period of time. I think a lot of people assume that people who are homeless don't know how to take care of their possessions or that they don't respect property. This is true of people from all walks of life. Because restoring dignity is so fundamental to the Mustard Seed's way-of-being, the apartments were renovated to be beautiful, life-giving spaces. When I did the lease signing for one of the tenants, he couldn't get over how much light there was in his apartment. He couldn't stop talking about how he was going to fill it with plants. His last place was so small that he could touch opposite walls with his arms outstretched. One night before the renovations had been completely finished, two of the tenants realized that the contractors had forgotten to put the lock on the door correctly. They stayed up all night watching the door to make sure that no one got in, and this is the sweet part: they didn't tell the female tenant about it because they didn't want her to worry! Every Tuesday we have staff lunch and the staff take turns preparing food for the rest of the staff. Today our community chaplain supervised two of the apartment tenants who made us chicken, roast beef, amazing rice, salad, buns and cake for lunch. They had big smiles on their faces. It's really uplifting to see the joy and hope that radiates out of those who are treated with dignity and given a second chance at living a full life.

Tomorrow Dan is coming home. Those are my favourite days.

Christine and the terrible, horrible, no good very bad day

Well today has already been a terrible day. I'm exaggerating of course, but it feels terrible. I dislike venting in a blog post but Dan is busy loading trailers up North and I need somewhere to put this so that I can continue on with my day.

I was awake again before 4 this morning and didn't fall back asleep for at least an hour. It doesn't sound like very long, but my quality of sleep is very poor after being awake in the middle of the night. This has been happening regularly over the past few weeks and I'm annoyed because I have little energy to get through the day as it is. I think last night I was lying awake thinking about worship and trying to shuffle things around in March while Dan and I are away. In any case, I'm ready for Dan to be home so I can feel safe and get some rest.

Then on the way to work I almost got in an accident (it wasn't my fault.) A van pulled out in front of me from a parking spot and proceeded to slowly turn right on a green light. While I was going around him, a truck turned right in front of me (he was obviously in a big hurry as there were several cars already in the intersection in his way). Meanwhile, still turning, the van stopped for no apparent reason, the truck slammed on its brakes with its backend still in the intersection, and I almost ran right into it. So now I couldn't breathe.

Carry on to the post office where I pick up mail for work and I couldn't find parking because the staff park in the customer parking spaces. Good customer service people.

Then I get to work and I have an email from a 'co-worker' saying that "If you plan on taking courses or advancing to a higher position in accounting make sure items add up." Granted, having items add up is a big deal in accounting. It was my fault because I was rushed last week, and I've made the mistake before when I've been rushed. So I kept telling myself that it actually was my mistake and I can't really feel bad when this person is telling the truth. But still, something about the way this person worded it made me feel really bad. Most of the reasons it made me feel bad are not appropriate to put in a blog post until I can deal with them directly but one of the main reasons is that I'm absolutely starving for someone to come alongside me and help me to grow my accounting skills. I'd love to be in a position where I could be mentored by someone, where I could do meaningful work and where I could advance to a higher position in accounting. But the reality is that the people who can teach me are too busy to do it, so when I hear a comment like that it does not feel constructive, it feels like this person is making a judgment on my skills.

Anyway, it would be great if today could be over already. Does anyone know how to do that?

I Love Lucy?

Over 5 years ago, my friend told me about this new thing called 'facebook.' I don't remember what she said, but I wasn't interested at first. In general I don't tend to do things that a lot of people do. I think this is true, but I could have a warped perception of my life. I don't really use my cell phone except to text with Dan when he's away, save myself when the car battery dies and make plans. I can't use the internet on my phone. I like the idea of an Ipad but I'm not convinced that I'd use it for all it's worth. I can't imagine using Twitter. We don't have cable. So I can't remember why I decided to join facebook, but apparently it got out of hand. It's now been about a week and a half since the big sacrifice and here's what I've noticed so far:

• I don't know the email addresses or phone numbers of my closest friends.
  
• One of the first things I wonder in the morning is what has happened on facebook since yesterday.
  
• My most frequent thoughts during the day are about checking facebook.
  
• I'm very aware of how much free time I have in my day.
  
• I almost dread going home after work because I'm alone and I don't always have plans to be with people.
  
• When I'm with people, I feel deeply grateful for their presence and very aware of my community of friends.
  
• I think more about writing, and I write more.
  
• I've done more housework.
  
• I remember things that have happened in my life and I wish that I could see my extended family more.
  
• I read more.
  
• I have more questions about God and faith and I'm not too busy to ask them.
  
• I realize how much I love being around Dan, even when we're not talking.
  
• I listen to music more (right now Paul McCartney is singing about Joner in the whale and Noer in the ark.)
  

I found this quote somewhere a few days ago. I love Frederick Buechner. I've been thinking a lot lately about why I believe what I believe. I think about it because I know people who don't believe it, I know people who believe it but don't live it, and I know people who live it. Anyway, I'm not a scholar and the only time I can articulate the reasons why I follow Jesus is when I`m at home thinking about things for myself. But a major reason that I`ve been thinking about what I believe is because I get really annoyed when I read about certain groups of people saying that Christians have no reasoning skills or that we make up God to make ourselves feel better or that we blindly believe everything we hear. I feel offended by this even if it`s never meant to be an attack on a specific person. Obviously I don`t think it`s true for me, so if it`s not true for me then it`s not a characteristic of being a Christian. The point being that I doubt a lot and I ask a lot of questions and I don`t really expect to ever have an air-tight fool-proof case for why I believe what I believe. So for my journey I think it`s more important that I have good reasons for believing what I believe, reasons that make sense based on my experience of life and what I discover when I ask questions. I think I`ll start collecting the reasons why I believe, although the background material for some have already been forgotten or lost.

"If you tell me Christian commitment is a kind of thing that has happened to you once and for all like some kind of spiritual plastic surgery, I say you're either pulling the wool over your own eyes or trying to pull it over mine. Every morning you should wake up in your bed and ask yourself: "Can I believe it all again today?" No, better still, don't ask it till after you've read The New York Times, till after you've studied that daily record of the world's brokenness and corruption, which should always stand side by side with your Bible. Then ask yourself if you can believe in the Gospel of Jesus Christ again for that particular day. If your answer's always Yes, then you probably don't know what believing means. At least five times out of ten the answer should be No because the No is as important as the Yes, maybe more so. The No is what proves you're human in case you should ever doubt it. And then if some morning the answer happens to be really Yes, it should be a Yes that's choked with confession and tears and. . . great laughter."

Every night before bed I watch at least one episode of I Love Lucy. I`m nearing the end of the show now for the 5th time or so and I have to say that it`s really starting to bother me. The major reason is because in the earlier episodes, Lucy does some really hilarious things that make me laugh out loud; in the last shows, especially when they started doing one hour shows with more celebrities, the show is summed up by Lucy wanting to do something crazy, Ricky saying no, and Lucy whining, crying or threatening Ricky until she gets her way. Lucy always wants to spend money and Ricky can`t afford it. Blah blah blah. Most of the funny situations have been replaced with a weird marital tension and parent-child dynamic. I`m probably more sensitive to this because I know that at the time their marriage was on the verge of breaking up and they weren`t able to hide it completely. I`ve also noticed that for a show made in the 50s, they only once or twice say the word `prayer` and they are not shy about making jokes about separation and divorce. Still, I am attached to the heart of the show for its chemistry and creativity. I just have to make sure not to watch it if I'm irritable or exhausted.

This is a blog that my cousin posted about orphans in our country http:/thelogo.blogspot.com/2012/03/children-are-waiting.html. Are we hypocrites? Dan and I both sponsor children but it suddenly doesn't feel like enough.

(John Denver is singing Sunshine on my Shoulders)

I love him

Tonight while I was driving home through the snow I got to thinking about a particular night a couple of years ago when Dan and I still lived in Ontario.

We used to have more serious fights when we lived in Ontario. It may have been because we were getting used to being married, although I don't ever remember having to adjust much to Dan's daily routine or weird habits or quirks. Truthfully, he's had to do more adjusting than I have
because I'm much more random and messy. I don't think we've ever had a screaming match, and although I know that I've said things I regret, even from the beginning we were fairly good at actually discussing the problem instead of getting into fights about nothing. My biggest adjustment to being married was learning to be vulnerable. Dan has always been a very trustworthy person, but I had trouble letting myself trust him with my heart. Funny I know, when you've already married a person. I also struggled a lot with learning to be my own person and living out from under anyone's expectations of me or obligations on my time and behaviour. I had a lot of growing pains that year.

I remember that I used to be a lot harder on Dan and I got angry a lot more than I felt sad. I said really insensitive things and I was hard-hearted and unforgiving. I'm pretty sure that two of the biggest disagreements we've had have been my fault because I pushed him until he couldn't take it anymore. This particular night I had pushed him too far and he had to leave the house to calm down. Of course I have no idea what I was so upset about. Dan doesn't get angry easily and even when he does, he handles it really well. When he left, I was so afraid that I had lost him forever and I was so worried that if he came back that there would be hours or days of awkward silences and forced conversation.

When he came through the door, he was holding a Jones soda and a chocolate bar. He said that he thought I could use something to make myself feel better. I melted then. Dan helped me to be more vulnerable because even when I pushed him too far, he always made me feel and loved. Loved without deserving one bit of it.

That reminds me of another time before we were even dating when he showed up at my door with a Booster juice and chunky monkey ice cream because I'd had a bad day. It's hard to believe that it took me so long to realize how amazing he is, but now that I know I'm not letting him go.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

Close the facebook

On Ash Wednesday I took a break from Facebook for the season of Lent. My normal routine is to get out of bed, check facebook, wash my hair, make breakfast, browse facebook while I eat breakfast, get dressed, and leave for work. This Wed morning I felt lost, had too much time and noticed how quiet the house felt. The first thing that broke the quiet was the sound of our neighbour yelling at her kids outside. She started yelling while I was outside starting our car (at which point I wondered why she wasn't more embarrassed to be yelling at her kids in the company of a stranger) and she continued to yell while I finished drying my hair. You'd think that I'd feel more pious because I'd just made a huge sacrifice for Lent, but all I could do was run through a scenario in my head where I called Social Services and they came and saved the kids from humiliation and severe self-esteem issues. All the while, I was wishing that I could go on facebook and post my thoughts for all my friends to see. Our neighbour yells at her kids a lot (her husband is around somewhere but I don't see him a lot and when I do see him, he is docile and useless.) When I tell people about the yelling, they sometimes respond by saying that having kids is difficult and you find yourself yelling when you don't mean to, or maybe that I just happen to see our neighbour on the few occasions where she's yelling at her kids. No, I've never heard a kind word from her. No, accidental yelling does not include berating your kid and using the F-word. I don't understand why some people choose to have children if they have no intention of making any effort to deal with their frustration over being parents. When you hear someone yelling like that, you can't help but think that they feel like their kids have been forced on them as an unwanted burden. I have no patience for parents who treat their kids in such a terrible way. I feel frustrated and helpless when I see kids that have to grow up being treated so terribly (let me be clear that I am referring to extreme cases of anger/yelling/language.) I don't understand why there's nothing that I can do if they're not being physically or sexually abused or neglected. The kid next door, and probably his little sister too, will grow up feeling worthless; he will feel the need to be perfect. He won't be able to admit that he's wrong and he won't be able to form healthy relationships. He will spend most of his adult life (if he makes it through his teenage years) feeling like he's broken and that he was abused by and taken advantage of by the two people who were supposed to protect him. He will feel like he is at fault for being born and ruining his parents' lives, when he had absolutely no say in the matter. I wish that emotional abuse was taken seriously enough early on so that kids could be saved before they started to withdraw or act out or bring guns to school. I wish that someone would show up at our neighbours' door and take their kids away until they could prove that they were capable and willing to deal with their own problems and then do what was best for their kids.

 

I have suspected for a while that my energy has been misplaced. I really love video games and good tv shows and being at home with Dan. I love being on facebook because I can see what's happening in the world even when I'm too tired to go out, or feeling too introverted to want to call anyone. But I only have so much energy to go around and I can tell that thinking of others and giving my time is more of an effort than a natural outpouring. I do want to live my life that way, but I also like the life that we've been living. Dan is surprised by how much I miss facebook because even he didn't know how much I relied on it for connection and entertainment. I think that certain things, if given the chance, can override our balance and make us think that we can't live without them. They're not always all that harmful, but they trick you into thinking that other worthwhile things will take too much time away. Video games, tv shows and facebook are like that for me. I love them, but I let them have too much of my time. When we lived in Ontario there was a really sad story in the news about a boy who ran away from home because his parents had taken away his x-box. Eventually it came out that playing online, he had gotten to be quite well known for his skill and that he spent most of his days in his room. He was missing for quite a while and he was eventually found in a field, having died from chest injuries from falling out of a tree in the middle of the night. I wonder, if he'd had the chance to know his future, whether he would have thought that his x-box was important enough to die for. Anyway, without facebook I have so much time that I hardly know what to do with myself.

 

I think stories about celebrities are generally annoying, but every time I read one I always find myself thinking that we're not meant to be containers. Celebrities are the focus of too many people; we obsess over their grocery shopping habits, we give them too much credit for being beautiful or talented (if you want to see real talent, watch some I Love Lucy celebrity episodes) and we pour more attention on them than they have rightly earned. And a good number of them fall apart. By being a container I mean that we're not really meant to have things poured into us without some sort of outpouring as well. People, even celebrities, are not made to handle this overload. To be fair, these thoughts come about because I have been a one-way street. I generally think more about myself than others, I prefer tv shows to interaction with people, I let being tired keep me from all sorts of things and I have a hard time giving this stuff up for something more meaningful. As a result I've been depressed and I feel like I'm half dead. I feel like my life has no Life in it. I think we are the most alive when we let things go right through us. Things come in, things go out. We receive kindness, we show kindness; we are given rest, we give someone else the chance to rest; we are loved, we love others. This is one reason that I believe in God, because He was the first to show us that this is how life should be, and I discover all the time that it's actually true.

 

Just before I left facebook, someone posted that they didn't understand why people would give up facebook for Lent because you're basically just giving up friends and family. Someone else commented that instead of depriving themselves of something, they choose to replace something with another thing that is more meaningful or healthy. I am sensitive to what other people think and say, and I really wanted to defend myself more than I did, but I couldn't because I'm not allowed on facebook. But it's been on my mind for two days now and I guess not everyone understands what it's about. I made the choice because instead of connecting me to friends and family, it disconnected me from my sense of worth. Instead of being something meaningful, it stole all of my time from anything more life-giving. So not everyone gets it, but for me it was the absolutely right choice and I did it for the right reasons: because God feels distant and my heart is half dead and no amount of facebook validation in the world is worth that.

 

PS. In place of facebook time, I'm resuming cello lessons. Woot!