Tonight while I was driving home through the snow I got to thinking about a particular night a couple of years ago when Dan and I still lived in Ontario.
We used to have more serious fights when we lived in Ontario. It may have been because we were getting used to being married, although I don't ever remember having to adjust much to Dan's daily routine or weird habits or quirks. Truthfully, he's had to do more adjusting than I have
because I'm much more random and messy. I don't think we've ever had a screaming match, and although I know that I've said things I regret, even from the beginning we were fairly good at actually discussing the problem instead of getting into fights about nothing. My biggest adjustment to being married was learning to be vulnerable. Dan has always been a very trustworthy person, but I had trouble letting myself trust him with my heart. Funny I know, when you've already married a person. I also struggled a lot with learning to be my own person and living out from under anyone's expectations of me or obligations on my time and behaviour. I had a lot of growing pains that year.
I remember that I used to be a lot harder on Dan and I got angry a lot more than I felt sad. I said really insensitive things and I was hard-hearted and unforgiving. I'm pretty sure that two of the biggest disagreements we've had have been my fault because I pushed him until he couldn't take it anymore. This particular night I had pushed him too far and he had to leave the house to calm down. Of course I have no idea what I was so upset about. Dan doesn't get angry easily and even when he does, he handles it really well. When he left, I was so afraid that I had lost him forever and I was so worried that if he came back that there would be hours or days of awkward silences and forced conversation.
When he came through the door, he was holding a Jones soda and a chocolate bar. He said that he thought I could use something to make myself feel better. I melted then. Dan helped me to be more vulnerable because even when I pushed him too far, he always made me feel and loved. Loved without deserving one bit of it.
That reminds me of another time before we were even dating when he showed up at my door with a Booster juice and chunky monkey ice cream because I'd had a bad day. It's hard to believe that it took me so long to realize how amazing he is, but now that I know I'm not letting him go.
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
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