Yesterday was a good day. I got 3 books in the mail (God in the Dark by Luci Shaw, The Echo Within and Digging In, both by Robert Benson). I'm halfway through God in the Dark and I remember clearly why I loved it so much the first time. The book is a collection of journal entries by Luci about her husband's journey and eventual death from lung cancer. She writes some beautiful things. I told Dan that I love reading books about real people struggling through tough circumstances because I like to be reminded that God is present in everything and it gives me courage to know that others have doubts but still find reason to trust God. I don't find it morbid; I think that we are more attune to God during times of struggle because we are more helpless, but I also think that pain and suffering connect us to others in a more profound way. Dan and I are different when it comes to these books; he will not read anything that has to do with cancer.
One phrase that Luci recorded was something that her husband said to her when she stopped on the way home to get milk: He said "Do you know why I always like to give you more than you'll need? Because I love you!" This declaration dug deeper the first time that I read it years ago because I had such a chasm of need inside. This time it made me feel thankful because I can picture Dan saying it to me but also because I immediately pictured God saying it to us. We are incredibly blessed right now and I'm not oblivious to it.
I am growing up. I know this because I used to think that in the face of a broken world if a person did or said the right things or spent enough time with God, they could heal anything. I did not understand that brokenness is something that is here to stay until God removes the veil between heaven and earth. I have been remembering my life. I have had to end destructive friendships in order to save myself, but I am still saddened at the loss. I have ended relationships in ministry because of disrespect and struggle, but I wonder if I'd had a different understanding of myself whether I could have persevered. I look back and realize that in my naiveté I made some choices that hurt others and I may never have the chance to bring healing. These are heavy things to carry even when I am free of many of the burdens in my life.
I have always been fond of John 8:32: "Then you will experience for yourselves the truth, and the truth will free you." There are interpretations to this verse that I am not qualified to make, but this is what is has meant for me: When I face the reality of my life for what it is and not for what I want it to be or for what I thought it would be, I am free to deal with it as it is. I can face it head on. When I live honestly (not only free of secrets but also showing my true self), when I can mend past hurts by admitting my faults, when I can speak truth instead of lies - I am free to live without reservation, without blame, without burden. This is something I love about Dan and I. We have shared our secrets and we do not keep new ones. We speak truthfully so that we do not need to spend our time covering up past lies. We work to heal open wounds so that we do not carry around unnecessary regret. This way of living is very special to me because I am freed in thought, in time and in energy to do more important things.
Simply beautiful.
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