Do you like me?

For many complicated reasons, I grew up thinking that it was bad if someone didn't like me. This inevitably led to many years of feeling too unsafe to be myself unless someone first showed me a bit of acceptance. The result was that I was very quiet and didn't want to draw attention to myself so I often probably came across as if I had no personality. I don't remember if I ever went out of my way to make sure that everyone liked me, but I couldn't understand it if I found out that someone didn't like me – after all, if you don't make waves, how can anyone disapprove of you? Still, people found reasons not to like me because I did well in school, or because guys liked me (who knows why), or maybe because I was so darn good at playing the recorder (this is true.) Wanting everyone to like you is a terrible burden.

I'm slowly learning that people don't like you for their own reasons, most commonly because they want to be more like you and it's annoying to want to be like someone else. It's also a fact of life that not all people are compatible. Some people just drive you crazy. And some people don't like you because they make assumptions about who you are and don't actually take the time to find out the truth.

Dan had the same trouble when he was younger and he's taught me to go through a simple thought process when others make comments or judgments about who I am: I ask myself "Does what this person have to say match what I know to be true about myself? Do I trust this person or do I even care what they think based on what I know of them?"

So the reason for my post today is because I'm having trouble getting through a situation with a person for whom I've answered no to the above questions. A couple of posts ago I wrote about a co-worker who had made a condescending remark to me in an email. The actual situation has been addressed with a resolution still pending, however I'm finding it tough to work with someone who thinks that I'm careless or disorganized (insert willy-nilly) or just incompetent. I find myself wondering every time I write down a number or send in paperwork whether I'm giving this person more reason to think that I should be working at McDonalds. It's very uncomfortable. It's unpleasant to feel like one person's actions can overrule whatever anyone else thinks. That's all.

Money Money

This morning I paid off two of my student loans using our some of our income tax refund. They were loans that I've had for probably over 10 years, ones that I took out I think during my first couple years of university. I remember back then that I thought school was a good idea but I had no concept of what it took to pay for it. Getting student loans was an easy thing. Although I don't totally regret going to university, I regret the context in which I decided to go. I wish that I'd had more sense of how much work it would take, how much money it would cost, how long it would take me to be free of the debt, and whether it would really benefit me practically in the long run. Anyway, I still have two big loans left, one of which is for my most recent accounting diploma. I don't mind paying it because I actually really appreciate the skills that it gave me. The one left from university is just an elephant on my back.

I feel really good about how we've been handling our finances. My mom was really good at budgeting when we were growing up, but I somehow grew up without any awareness of what it meant to take care of my money. Before Dan and I got married, Dan had a good job and not a lot to pay for so he was used to having a large amount of disposable income, while I had a decent job and much more debt. When you put the two of us together in a new province, it didn't bode well for our finances. Two books really inspired me to take a hard look at the reality of our money situation: Inside Out by Larry Crabb and Debt Free Forever by Gail Vaz-Oxlade. The first made me realize that if we didn't take our money seriously, one day we would have a crisis and we'd have no financial options with which to deal with it. The second showed me how to start taking control. I really love that book, especially the beginning where you have to assess your current financial situation; I actually tracked every one of our expenses for 6 months to see where we were spending our money. The book actually suggests building a certain type of budget that divides your life into sections with each section taking up a certain amount of your money. Our budget was a bit skewed because our housing costs were so low and our debt was so high, and we created a disbursement schedule so we can divide our bills and savings over the two paydays. It's probably too complicated for most people (I don't mean that condescendingly), but I really like having the detail and knowing that we're not missing anything that will pop up as a surprise later. Dan being overseas really helped our finances, which is nice because if you're going to go through hell, it's nice to come out the other side with a bit of money. We've now paid off our bank loan, our line of credit, 3 of my student loans and our maxed out credit card, we've saved money for our trip to New York and we're only about 2 years away from paying off our car (which was initially financed with terms that no one should agree to).

Anyway, I feel really thankful for Dan. He's worked really hard to earn his money and he shares it with me as if it's mine. He lets me take care of where our money goes and doesn't complain much when I give him a bi-monthly allowance. Mostly though, he's just a great husband. He works hard despite the fact that he works for people who are idiots, he rarely complains about how tough things are because he doesn't want me to worry and he always helps out around the house. He's also my favorite person to talk to because he's smart and logical but he's kind and fair, he's insightful and helpful but he mostly listens to me and lets me figure out life on my own. And he's so funny that I laugh noticeably less when I'm not around him. And there's one more reason, but I can't share it yet. J

Good days

Last night after my awful day I had a delicious supper made by my friends Shane & Mary Jane and I got to hang out for a long time with 4 other great ladies. When Dan and I first moved we really prayed that I'd be surrounded by community while he was training and on deployment. It wasn't long after that that I met Mary Jane and her friendship got me through the tough beginnings. Then I made more friends and last night I realized that I had 4 close friends that I think are just great and I actually have more than that because our small group is great too! I'm so blessed.

It's been two months since The Mustard Seed opened its first low-income apartment building. We've had about 4 tenants so far because the selection process is very specific for very good, important reasons. There are a lot of concerns when you venture into giving this kind of support for people who have been homeless for a significant period of time. I think a lot of people assume that people who are homeless don't know how to take care of their possessions or that they don't respect property. This is true of people from all walks of life. Because restoring dignity is so fundamental to the Mustard Seed's way-of-being, the apartments were renovated to be beautiful, life-giving spaces. When I did the lease signing for one of the tenants, he couldn't get over how much light there was in his apartment. He couldn't stop talking about how he was going to fill it with plants. His last place was so small that he could touch opposite walls with his arms outstretched. One night before the renovations had been completely finished, two of the tenants realized that the contractors had forgotten to put the lock on the door correctly. They stayed up all night watching the door to make sure that no one got in, and this is the sweet part: they didn't tell the female tenant about it because they didn't want her to worry! Every Tuesday we have staff lunch and the staff take turns preparing food for the rest of the staff. Today our community chaplain supervised two of the apartment tenants who made us chicken, roast beef, amazing rice, salad, buns and cake for lunch. They had big smiles on their faces. It's really uplifting to see the joy and hope that radiates out of those who are treated with dignity and given a second chance at living a full life.

Tomorrow Dan is coming home. Those are my favourite days.

Christine and the terrible, horrible, no good very bad day

Well today has already been a terrible day. I'm exaggerating of course, but it feels terrible. I dislike venting in a blog post but Dan is busy loading trailers up North and I need somewhere to put this so that I can continue on with my day.

I was awake again before 4 this morning and didn't fall back asleep for at least an hour. It doesn't sound like very long, but my quality of sleep is very poor after being awake in the middle of the night. This has been happening regularly over the past few weeks and I'm annoyed because I have little energy to get through the day as it is. I think last night I was lying awake thinking about worship and trying to shuffle things around in March while Dan and I are away. In any case, I'm ready for Dan to be home so I can feel safe and get some rest.

Then on the way to work I almost got in an accident (it wasn't my fault.) A van pulled out in front of me from a parking spot and proceeded to slowly turn right on a green light. While I was going around him, a truck turned right in front of me (he was obviously in a big hurry as there were several cars already in the intersection in his way). Meanwhile, still turning, the van stopped for no apparent reason, the truck slammed on its brakes with its backend still in the intersection, and I almost ran right into it. So now I couldn't breathe.

Carry on to the post office where I pick up mail for work and I couldn't find parking because the staff park in the customer parking spaces. Good customer service people.

Then I get to work and I have an email from a 'co-worker' saying that "If you plan on taking courses or advancing to a higher position in accounting make sure items add up." Granted, having items add up is a big deal in accounting. It was my fault because I was rushed last week, and I've made the mistake before when I've been rushed. So I kept telling myself that it actually was my mistake and I can't really feel bad when this person is telling the truth. But still, something about the way this person worded it made me feel really bad. Most of the reasons it made me feel bad are not appropriate to put in a blog post until I can deal with them directly but one of the main reasons is that I'm absolutely starving for someone to come alongside me and help me to grow my accounting skills. I'd love to be in a position where I could be mentored by someone, where I could do meaningful work and where I could advance to a higher position in accounting. But the reality is that the people who can teach me are too busy to do it, so when I hear a comment like that it does not feel constructive, it feels like this person is making a judgment on my skills.

Anyway, it would be great if today could be over already. Does anyone know how to do that?

I Love Lucy?

Over 5 years ago, my friend told me about this new thing called 'facebook.' I don't remember what she said, but I wasn't interested at first. In general I don't tend to do things that a lot of people do. I think this is true, but I could have a warped perception of my life. I don't really use my cell phone except to text with Dan when he's away, save myself when the car battery dies and make plans. I can't use the internet on my phone. I like the idea of an Ipad but I'm not convinced that I'd use it for all it's worth. I can't imagine using Twitter. We don't have cable. So I can't remember why I decided to join facebook, but apparently it got out of hand. It's now been about a week and a half since the big sacrifice and here's what I've noticed so far:

• I don't know the email addresses or phone numbers of my closest friends.
  
• One of the first things I wonder in the morning is what has happened on facebook since yesterday.
  
• My most frequent thoughts during the day are about checking facebook.
  
• I'm very aware of how much free time I have in my day.
  
• I almost dread going home after work because I'm alone and I don't always have plans to be with people.
  
• When I'm with people, I feel deeply grateful for their presence and very aware of my community of friends.
  
• I think more about writing, and I write more.
  
• I've done more housework.
  
• I remember things that have happened in my life and I wish that I could see my extended family more.
  
• I read more.
  
• I have more questions about God and faith and I'm not too busy to ask them.
  
• I realize how much I love being around Dan, even when we're not talking.
  
• I listen to music more (right now Paul McCartney is singing about Joner in the whale and Noer in the ark.)
  

I found this quote somewhere a few days ago. I love Frederick Buechner. I've been thinking a lot lately about why I believe what I believe. I think about it because I know people who don't believe it, I know people who believe it but don't live it, and I know people who live it. Anyway, I'm not a scholar and the only time I can articulate the reasons why I follow Jesus is when I`m at home thinking about things for myself. But a major reason that I`ve been thinking about what I believe is because I get really annoyed when I read about certain groups of people saying that Christians have no reasoning skills or that we make up God to make ourselves feel better or that we blindly believe everything we hear. I feel offended by this even if it`s never meant to be an attack on a specific person. Obviously I don`t think it`s true for me, so if it`s not true for me then it`s not a characteristic of being a Christian. The point being that I doubt a lot and I ask a lot of questions and I don`t really expect to ever have an air-tight fool-proof case for why I believe what I believe. So for my journey I think it`s more important that I have good reasons for believing what I believe, reasons that make sense based on my experience of life and what I discover when I ask questions. I think I`ll start collecting the reasons why I believe, although the background material for some have already been forgotten or lost.

"If you tell me Christian commitment is a kind of thing that has happened to you once and for all like some kind of spiritual plastic surgery, I say you're either pulling the wool over your own eyes or trying to pull it over mine. Every morning you should wake up in your bed and ask yourself: "Can I believe it all again today?" No, better still, don't ask it till after you've read The New York Times, till after you've studied that daily record of the world's brokenness and corruption, which should always stand side by side with your Bible. Then ask yourself if you can believe in the Gospel of Jesus Christ again for that particular day. If your answer's always Yes, then you probably don't know what believing means. At least five times out of ten the answer should be No because the No is as important as the Yes, maybe more so. The No is what proves you're human in case you should ever doubt it. And then if some morning the answer happens to be really Yes, it should be a Yes that's choked with confession and tears and. . . great laughter."

Every night before bed I watch at least one episode of I Love Lucy. I`m nearing the end of the show now for the 5th time or so and I have to say that it`s really starting to bother me. The major reason is because in the earlier episodes, Lucy does some really hilarious things that make me laugh out loud; in the last shows, especially when they started doing one hour shows with more celebrities, the show is summed up by Lucy wanting to do something crazy, Ricky saying no, and Lucy whining, crying or threatening Ricky until she gets her way. Lucy always wants to spend money and Ricky can`t afford it. Blah blah blah. Most of the funny situations have been replaced with a weird marital tension and parent-child dynamic. I`m probably more sensitive to this because I know that at the time their marriage was on the verge of breaking up and they weren`t able to hide it completely. I`ve also noticed that for a show made in the 50s, they only once or twice say the word `prayer` and they are not shy about making jokes about separation and divorce. Still, I am attached to the heart of the show for its chemistry and creativity. I just have to make sure not to watch it if I'm irritable or exhausted.

This is a blog that my cousin posted about orphans in our country http:/thelogo.blogspot.com/2012/03/children-are-waiting.html. Are we hypocrites? Dan and I both sponsor children but it suddenly doesn't feel like enough.

(John Denver is singing Sunshine on my Shoulders)