Love is all there is

I have a few other things that I want to write about at some point - nothing life-changing, just glimpses of day-to-day life - but tonight I feel that I need to write about life as a military spouse. Today on the way home I picked up two books that I had on hold at the library: My Love, My Life (an inside look at the lives of those who love and support our military men and women) and Home Fires Burning (married to the military – for better or worse). That got me thinking about what I would say to someone if they ever asked me about my life. You did ask, right?

You'd really think that when your husband is away on deployment, you'd avoid all books and movies about the military/war/separation. Well, not only did I not avoid them, I went looking for them. Why? I don't know – maybe out of curiosity, partly out of a need to be connected to stories that are bigger than mine but still linked to mine, mostly because immersing myself in the reality of my life helps me to be attentive and to live it well. I started with Dear John, Nicholas Sparks' movie about a soldier who falls in love while he's home on leave. I wanted it to be a comforting story about how love and commitment can get you through anything and I was hoping that it would give me hope. Sadly, the two characters don't even end up together at the end. Sad, indeed. On an impulse, I rented Taking Chance with Kevin Bacon, a movie based on a true story about a high ranking officer who volunteers to escort the body of a fallen soldier home to his family. I really enjoyed the journey of respect that I got to go on with this movie, as you basically follow the fallen soldier from the preparation of his body right through to the funeral. The military member who meticulously prepared the body said at one point, "It was an honor to get to care for him, Sir." I found myself crying as the casket moved through airports with workers paying their respects, traveled in a vehicle with a trail of civilian cars behind and arrived at the funeral parlor where the family waited to receive his personal belongings from the officer. Definitely a hidden gem. Finally, because of Woody Allen's Oscar nomination, I rented The Messenger. This one was definitely the most difficult to watch as it opened the door into the life of the soldier(s) whose responsibility it is to notify the next of kin of their husband/wife/son/daughter's death. All I can say is that I sure hope that I'll only ever have to watch that scene played out on a TV screen.

It was the first book however, that got me thinking the most about my life. The book is basically a collection of letters written by military spouses interspersed with comments by the author. I admit that life in the military is a difficult one to describe to civilians and it's often misunderstood but one letter written by a 'Mrs. Jane Doe' was appalling to me and I'm hoping that her choice to remain anonymous was in some way an acknowledgement that what she wrote was insulting and insensitive, even if she chose to send it in to a newspaper. Here's some of what she had to say (I'm paraphrasing):

• Military members are not the only ones who are away from home because of work. Civilians also go on business trips alone and have to drive on bad roads in bad traffic through bad weather conditions.
  
• We all pay heavily for freedom; at least you have a military family – the rest of us only have our own families and are isolated from co-workers.
  
• Civilians are able to buy homes and put down roots but we also have uncertainty in the job market. At least you have a secure job, so why can't you just buy a house?
  
• An advantage for military spouses is moving, because a change of scenery can be refreshing. (This one makes me either want to laugh out loud or uproot the arrogant person who wrote this, I can't decide which)
  
• By moving frequently, military families don't have time to become enemies with their neighbors and usually try to work out any problems to make their brief time together peaceful. (Can you believe this?? Do people really think these are valid points?)
  
• Changing schools is good for children because it gives them more life experience.
  
• Just because you're in the military doesn't mean you can complain about spouses missing family functions (or births or funerals or birthdays, etc). Most people have some family missing from functions at some point.
  
• And my favorite – "Our country asks just as much from us as it does from the military." Bravo.

I know that my comments are weighed down by sarcasm but I'm really not terribly upset at this letter, I'm just shocked at the naiveté of some people.

Anyway, the truth is that military life is a struggle for many people. Dan and I are in a somewhat manageable stage of life – we have no kids and no house – so I realize that my experience during deployment is much different (and I daresay, easier) than that of other military wives. Still, I know that no matter what our life looks like, I want to be married to Dan and I want to be wherever he is for as long as we are both alive.

When I realized that I loved Dan (many years after he realized that he loved me), I was visiting him in Halifax where he was posted. By the end of the trip we knew that we wanted to date at some point, but we also knew that it would be serious if we did. I didn't want a long distance relationship and I wasn't prepared to move to Halifax because I was too afraid. Shortly after I left, Dan put in for an honorable discharge (is that right, dear?) and planned to move back to Saskatoon at his own expense so that we could even have the chance to date. He left behind a job he loved and was exceptionally good at and a city he loved just for the chance to be with me (Navy life is no life for man with a wife). Even now that simple yet complicated act of love overwhelms me. As we dated, got engaged and planned our wedding, he worked hard at jobs that paid little and gave him little or no purpose. Neither of us had any idea at that point where we wanted our lives to go and we were drifting aimlessly, though we were happy together. I remember exactly where we were the day that I mentioned to Dan that maybe he should join the military – we were downtown at the corner by Fandango – and when I said it, his face lit up like the candles on the cake at my 30^th birthday party. I knew then that because I loved him, I wanted him to have the freedom to live a life that gave him purpose and meaning, whatever that meant for us.

Now Dan's deployed with the Air Force and I still feel that way. We've had some really tough times in the two and a half years since we got married. We've moved across the country twice, sacrificed time together for studying, gained weight (is that right, dear?), been apart for long periods of time and lived life with much uncertainty. We've also had wonderful adventures, uninterrupted time together, glimpses of God and an exponential growth in love for each other. And I'm really made for this life I think, as long as Dan wants it – I'm independent when I need to be, resourceful, curious, ambitious, resilient and strong. I'm going to do well with this life, not because it's easy, but because I want to do well. Most of all, I do it out of love for my husband because he's really great (have you noticed?) It's important to me that Dan follows God's purpose for his life and that he lives his life even if that means that I sacrifice a bit more. If being in the military gives my husband joy and purpose then being a military spouse gives me joy and purpose too.

I love you, husband of my heart.