If you're wondering whether the title to this post makes any sense or is at all related to what I wrote, the answer is no. But it's from an episode of Corner Gas where Davis gets locked in a car trunk for 10 seconds and writes a poem about it. It makes me laugh every time.
It's unusual for me to accept that for a time I will have no answers. But when Dan and I started looking ahead towards his deployment, we found ourselves in two distinctly different places: he had a good deal of certainty, and I had very little. Of course there is always uncertainty no matter what you've been told about what you're getting into because everyone's experience is different. We knew for instance that Afghanistan would be very (maybe almost unbearably) hot, dusty and smelly and that Dan would work long hours, have few days off, be very tired and have sore feet. We knew that we'd miss each other terribly. I knew that I would be alone, and that's about it. I'd had some experience being alone while Dan was away on training during the past year but in large part I had no idea what I was in for. I had no idea what to prepare for and I came to accept that I would have no answers until we were well on our way. So we're on our way, and I'm getting my answers.
According to the deployment preparation package that the Family Resource Centre sent us, here are the normal feelings and behaviours for the first 3-6 weeks of deployment: Lack of focus, anxiety, overly emotional, physical symptoms, increased dependence, insecure, distrustful, sleep disturbances, resentful and regressive behaviours. Thankfully, I haven't noticed any feelings of distrust or resentment and I'm not sure what they mean by regressive behaviours, but the rest are fairly accurate. Mostly, I just feel like part of me is missing, which it is. I feel alone, but not necessarily lonely. Our support system has grown noticeably since the last time that Dan was away – I regularly have people asking me how I am, sending emails, reminding me that we're being prayed for. I have good friends now, and growing friendships coming from unexpected places. But I still feel alone a lot of the time and will probably feel that way until the end. The hard part about being alone is that I'm used to having Dan around to bounce ideas off of, make comments to, share things with. He is my companion and without him I feel lost.
The reality that both of us have come to accept is that without the other person around, God is the only one left who can fill that space. I like the idea – I'd like to talk to God more than I talk to Dan, need God more, rely on God more, believe God more – but I don't, yet. It feels awkward. I hope that the length of this challenge will eventually get me to that place.
I can't help but feel thankful when I compare where we are to where I thought we would be. There are things that I always knew would be true – that Dan and I would be faithful to each other without question, that we would each be challenged to grow as individuals, that we would maintain a close friendship and that God would be unrelenting in His pursuit of our devotion and generous in His care for us. There are other things that I wasn't sure about – like whether we'd have friends that we could lean on, a church to belong to and a life. For a long time I didn't think that we were even close, but in the last two months it just feels like all of those things that started so slowly have grown into really wonderful things that make this all much easier.
Worship on Sunday was wonderful. I prayed often enough to keep my fear and nervousness at bay, but mostly I just wanted to be present and attentive. I wanted to be there to witness whatever God wanted to do and to remember what it felt like to be a lead worshiper. I loved being able to sing again. It was the best time I've had in a long time. I had many positive comments afterwards, but the most rewarding thing was to hear that people responded to the Spirit of it. I love that because perfectly executed worship is nothing without Spirit and Spirit makes our mistakes and shortcomings fade into the background. If the Spirit is there it means that I've gotten out of the way and I'm so happy about that!
I have more to write but I've been at this for a couple of hours already so I'll save the rest for next time – which means that I'll have something to write about in a couple of days, making this the most consistently blogged week of my life. Huzzah!
No comments:
Post a Comment