Love is all there is

I have a few other things that I want to write about at some point - nothing life-changing, just glimpses of day-to-day life - but tonight I feel that I need to write about life as a military spouse. Today on the way home I picked up two books that I had on hold at the library: My Love, My Life (an inside look at the lives of those who love and support our military men and women) and Home Fires Burning (married to the military – for better or worse). That got me thinking about what I would say to someone if they ever asked me about my life. You did ask, right?

You'd really think that when your husband is away on deployment, you'd avoid all books and movies about the military/war/separation. Well, not only did I not avoid them, I went looking for them. Why? I don't know – maybe out of curiosity, partly out of a need to be connected to stories that are bigger than mine but still linked to mine, mostly because immersing myself in the reality of my life helps me to be attentive and to live it well. I started with Dear John, Nicholas Sparks' movie about a soldier who falls in love while he's home on leave. I wanted it to be a comforting story about how love and commitment can get you through anything and I was hoping that it would give me hope. Sadly, the two characters don't even end up together at the end. Sad, indeed. On an impulse, I rented Taking Chance with Kevin Bacon, a movie based on a true story about a high ranking officer who volunteers to escort the body of a fallen soldier home to his family. I really enjoyed the journey of respect that I got to go on with this movie, as you basically follow the fallen soldier from the preparation of his body right through to the funeral. The military member who meticulously prepared the body said at one point, "It was an honor to get to care for him, Sir." I found myself crying as the casket moved through airports with workers paying their respects, traveled in a vehicle with a trail of civilian cars behind and arrived at the funeral parlor where the family waited to receive his personal belongings from the officer. Definitely a hidden gem. Finally, because of Woody Allen's Oscar nomination, I rented The Messenger. This one was definitely the most difficult to watch as it opened the door into the life of the soldier(s) whose responsibility it is to notify the next of kin of their husband/wife/son/daughter's death. All I can say is that I sure hope that I'll only ever have to watch that scene played out on a TV screen.

It was the first book however, that got me thinking the most about my life. The book is basically a collection of letters written by military spouses interspersed with comments by the author. I admit that life in the military is a difficult one to describe to civilians and it's often misunderstood but one letter written by a 'Mrs. Jane Doe' was appalling to me and I'm hoping that her choice to remain anonymous was in some way an acknowledgement that what she wrote was insulting and insensitive, even if she chose to send it in to a newspaper. Here's some of what she had to say (I'm paraphrasing):

• Military members are not the only ones who are away from home because of work. Civilians also go on business trips alone and have to drive on bad roads in bad traffic through bad weather conditions.
  
• We all pay heavily for freedom; at least you have a military family – the rest of us only have our own families and are isolated from co-workers.
  
• Civilians are able to buy homes and put down roots but we also have uncertainty in the job market. At least you have a secure job, so why can't you just buy a house?
  
• An advantage for military spouses is moving, because a change of scenery can be refreshing. (This one makes me either want to laugh out loud or uproot the arrogant person who wrote this, I can't decide which)
  
• By moving frequently, military families don't have time to become enemies with their neighbors and usually try to work out any problems to make their brief time together peaceful. (Can you believe this?? Do people really think these are valid points?)
  
• Changing schools is good for children because it gives them more life experience.
  
• Just because you're in the military doesn't mean you can complain about spouses missing family functions (or births or funerals or birthdays, etc). Most people have some family missing from functions at some point.
  
• And my favorite – "Our country asks just as much from us as it does from the military." Bravo.

I know that my comments are weighed down by sarcasm but I'm really not terribly upset at this letter, I'm just shocked at the naiveté of some people.

Anyway, the truth is that military life is a struggle for many people. Dan and I are in a somewhat manageable stage of life – we have no kids and no house – so I realize that my experience during deployment is much different (and I daresay, easier) than that of other military wives. Still, I know that no matter what our life looks like, I want to be married to Dan and I want to be wherever he is for as long as we are both alive.

When I realized that I loved Dan (many years after he realized that he loved me), I was visiting him in Halifax where he was posted. By the end of the trip we knew that we wanted to date at some point, but we also knew that it would be serious if we did. I didn't want a long distance relationship and I wasn't prepared to move to Halifax because I was too afraid. Shortly after I left, Dan put in for an honorable discharge (is that right, dear?) and planned to move back to Saskatoon at his own expense so that we could even have the chance to date. He left behind a job he loved and was exceptionally good at and a city he loved just for the chance to be with me (Navy life is no life for man with a wife). Even now that simple yet complicated act of love overwhelms me. As we dated, got engaged and planned our wedding, he worked hard at jobs that paid little and gave him little or no purpose. Neither of us had any idea at that point where we wanted our lives to go and we were drifting aimlessly, though we were happy together. I remember exactly where we were the day that I mentioned to Dan that maybe he should join the military – we were downtown at the corner by Fandango – and when I said it, his face lit up like the candles on the cake at my 30^th birthday party. I knew then that because I loved him, I wanted him to have the freedom to live a life that gave him purpose and meaning, whatever that meant for us.

Now Dan's deployed with the Air Force and I still feel that way. We've had some really tough times in the two and a half years since we got married. We've moved across the country twice, sacrificed time together for studying, gained weight (is that right, dear?), been apart for long periods of time and lived life with much uncertainty. We've also had wonderful adventures, uninterrupted time together, glimpses of God and an exponential growth in love for each other. And I'm really made for this life I think, as long as Dan wants it – I'm independent when I need to be, resourceful, curious, ambitious, resilient and strong. I'm going to do well with this life, not because it's easy, but because I want to do well. Most of all, I do it out of love for my husband because he's really great (have you noticed?) It's important to me that Dan follows God's purpose for his life and that he lives his life even if that means that I sacrifice a bit more. If being in the military gives my husband joy and purpose then being a military spouse gives me joy and purpose too.

I love you, husband of my heart.

Darkness, aloneness, caught without my cell phoneness

If you're wondering whether the title to this post makes any sense or is at all related to what I wrote, the answer is no. But it's from an episode of Corner Gas where Davis gets locked in a car trunk for 10 seconds and writes a poem about it. It makes me laugh every time.

It's unusual for me to accept that for a time I will have no answers. But when Dan and I started looking ahead towards his deployment, we found ourselves in two distinctly different places: he had a good deal of certainty, and I had very little. Of course there is always uncertainty no matter what you've been told about what you're getting into because everyone's experience is different. We knew for instance that Afghanistan would be very (maybe almost unbearably) hot, dusty and smelly and that Dan would work long hours, have few days off, be very tired and have sore feet. We knew that we'd miss each other terribly. I knew that I would be alone, and that's about it. I'd had some experience being alone while Dan was away on training during the past year but in large part I had no idea what I was in for. I had no idea what to prepare for and I came to accept that I would have no answers until we were well on our way. So we're on our way, and I'm getting my answers.

According to the deployment preparation package that the Family Resource Centre sent us, here are the normal feelings and behaviours for the first 3-6 weeks of deployment: Lack of focus, anxiety, overly emotional, physical symptoms, increased dependence, insecure, distrustful, sleep disturbances, resentful and regressive behaviours. Thankfully, I haven't noticed any feelings of distrust or resentment and I'm not sure what they mean by regressive behaviours, but the rest are fairly accurate. Mostly, I just feel like part of me is missing, which it is. I feel alone, but not necessarily lonely. Our support system has grown noticeably since the last time that Dan was away – I regularly have people asking me how I am, sending emails, reminding me that we're being prayed for. I have good friends now, and growing friendships coming from unexpected places. But I still feel alone a lot of the time and will probably feel that way until the end. The hard part about being alone is that I'm used to having Dan around to bounce ideas off of, make comments to, share things with. He is my companion and without him I feel lost.

The reality that both of us have come to accept is that without the other person around, God is the only one left who can fill that space. I like the idea – I'd like to talk to God more than I talk to Dan, need God more, rely on God more, believe God more – but I don't, yet. It feels awkward. I hope that the length of this challenge will eventually get me to that place.

I can't help but feel thankful when I compare where we are to where I thought we would be. There are things that I always knew would be true – that Dan and I would be faithful to each other without question, that we would each be challenged to grow as individuals, that we would maintain a close friendship and that God would be unrelenting in His pursuit of our devotion and generous in His care for us. There are other things that I wasn't sure about – like whether we'd have friends that we could lean on, a church to belong to and a life. For a long time I didn't think that we were even close, but in the last two months it just feels like all of those things that started so slowly have grown into really wonderful things that make this all much easier.

Worship on Sunday was wonderful. I prayed often enough to keep my fear and nervousness at bay, but mostly I just wanted to be present and attentive. I wanted to be there to witness whatever God wanted to do and to remember what it felt like to be a lead worshiper. I loved being able to sing again. It was the best time I've had in a long time. I had many positive comments afterwards, but the most rewarding thing was to hear that people responded to the Spirit of it. I love that because perfectly executed worship is nothing without Spirit and Spirit makes our mistakes and shortcomings fade into the background. If the Spirit is there it means that I've gotten out of the way and I'm so happy about that!

I have more to write but I've been at this for a couple of hours already so I'll save the rest for next time – which means that I'll have something to write about in a couple of days, making this the most consistently blogged week of my life. Huzzah!

Ordinary Time

I miss my husband. Today, seeing his picture is painful in the most wonderful way. I think of him starting his day and feel so proud of his quiet strength. He has been gone for just over a week and up until now I've felt mostly normal. This morning the distance between us hit me like a ton of bricks and I ache to be with him. He's been unfailingly generous in his efforts to call me as often as he can but the past few days have been long and busy for him and our conversations have been shorter than normal. He said yesterday that he knows of some couples who are comfortable talking once a week because they don't normally have much to say even when they are together. This seems unimaginable to us and having limits on our conversations will be one of the most difficult challenges of being apart.

Even though I don't write, I'm always thinking of things that I can put in my next post. Yesterday night I was hit strongly by the need to write about two things: community and prayer.

Dan and I have been attending Trinity Baptist since around Christmas (see my last post for an introduction). We are just starting to remember the way of life of being regular attenders and so have been inconsistent; after almost two years without a church home, it's easy to stay home instead of getting up in time to drive 25 mins to church. Still, we have slowly but surely been meeting new people, making new friends and getting involved. At the same time, we've been preparing our home and life and relationship for this extended period of separation. Two Sundays ago, Dan's departure hovered over us like a cloud as we made our way to church. Before the service, one of the pastors came over and asked if it would be alright if he prayed for us and with our consent he proceeded to lead the congregation in a pastoral prayer for us and another family. They prayed for protection over Dan and for strength for me. They included us as part of their church family and acknowledged the challenge that lay ahead for us while committing themselves in prayer and service to us. This sounds ordinary doesn't it (isn't that what churches do)? Well it marked a turning point for Dan and I.

I hate to admit it but being away from church for almost 2 years has left me with a critical and judgmental spirit. Instead of living in community, I sit back and rate (however subconsciously) how well a church is functioning. I form opinions based on appearances. I make assumptions without getting to know people. I compare services to what I think should be the most meaningful way to help people meet God. And I'm ashamed to say that I've done this all while attending Trinity. Along with all of these things, and probably in spite of myself, I've also been earnestly wondering for quite some time if God wants to do something new with me by taking me somewhere different and if that is the case, what does he want to do?

Anyway, the unexpected thing about community is that when you're really in it, nothing else really matters. Trinity enfolded us in community when we expected to go unnoticed. They gave us a gift that has blessed us immensely in a time of struggle. On that Sunday and for the few days afterwards that Dan and I had left together, we felt that God was hovering especially near to us. Sometimes you can just feel it in the air and the gratitude we felt for that change was immeasurable. I like the word 'enfold' because it's beautiful and accurate. We are surrounded by people who hold us before God.

Tomorrow morning I lead worship for the first time at Trinity. It's a hilarious thought in some ways given what I just wrote, that I would be entrusted with the job of being a lead worshiper. But maybe God is just doing a new thing. When I lead worship I like to lay down as much of myself as I can, partly because I'm nervous in front of people and when I am able to worship, God can lead others along, and partly because God does the most when I've done all I can and still feel like I haven't done enough.

Last night, after fighting uneasiness for several days, I really needed to feel God near me so I wrote for the first time in a long time. When I write, it’s almost always addressed to God because I need someone to talk to and I’m usually at the end of my own strength by the time I get to the blank page. I started my journal over 2 years ago and I named it Ordinary Time after the long season in the church calendar that is between major celebrations. Most of my life feels like it happens between anything big and it’s the day to day stuff that I feel I need to record in some way.

We do not need to carry out grand things in order to show

a great love for God and for our neighbor.

It is the intensity of love we put into our gestures that

makes them something beautiful for God.

~ Mother Teresa

Sometimes when I write, I find myself slowly writing a prayer line by line. I stop in between and feel around, testing the waters for where my gut tells me I need to go. If I stray too far from what I need to say, I start to feel uneasy, like something is unfinished. Then I reread the last line I wrote and try to stay on that path until I feel peaceful moving on. I usually end up writing quite a few repetitive lines to fully explore an area before moving on. Dan taught me to pray this way – to surrender to God and to ask forgiveness. Praying this way changes our heart before we ask God for things. By the time I get to the part about asking, I’ve already gone through the excruciating process of admitting my faults and my mistakes and asking God to forgive them and start over. (Once when Dan and I were praying, I was stuck at the surrender stage for most of the prayer and only got out a couple lines. I couldn’t do it - turn myself outwards again and stop holding on to my plans and my convictions, my adamant claims to what I thought was true and right). When I eventually make it to the part about asking God for anything, I just want God to stay close to me and always be near me. Anything he would want from me or ask of me at that point would be a given. Before I started praying this way, I would often only tell God things that were bothering me or making me anxious and only occasionally would I end up following God’s leading to pray for things that my heart needed to say, the strong passionate things, the pleas for forgiveness or clarity.

I'm reading a book called Living Prayer. In it the author describes an especially difficult period in his life when he struggled with depression. He went to a friend for help and while his friend was trying to get him to answer a question - 'Do you know the rhythm of the mass?' - all he wanted to do was complain and get quick answers. Finally, he gave his friend room to speak and what his friend was getting at is that in the rhythm of the mass, confession comes before we receive the Word because sometimes there's no room in us for the Word until we live in confession for a while. Sometimes we are so full of ourselves and our reasons for where we are that we have no room to see or hear where God wants us to go. Sometimes we pray for God’s leading but we’re not actually prepared to go there because we mostly pray out of wanting God to assent to the path we’ve already chosen. But what if we emptied ourselves of our sins and our control and waited for what God actually wanted to say? What if we left room for the Word to dwell in us?

Dan is safely in Afghanistan. The trip there was long but relatively smooth and all their baggage arrived with them. They are safe despite recent reports in the news about attacks and such. When they stopped in Dubai, Dan said it was so hot your skin tingled like you were in an oven. Afghanistan is hot but not as humid and you get used to sweating all the time. The dust is so fine it just hangs in the air. The air smells but according to Dan it's bearable. Their rooms are comfortable except for the broken air conditioner which has hopefully been fixed by now. Dan wrote this to me in an email: "We really are quite lucky, our government has done a great job of making sure we are taken care of. From how nice our rooms are, to how nice New Canada house is. A lot of other people and countries don't have the little luxuries we have. I'm quite proud of our government for working so hard for us. Now if only they could speed up time and make the next months fly by, would be great." Even so, the environment is a serious one with building-high cement barriers and barbed wire. Everyone works hard over long hours and it's definitely a focused effort in a war zone. Despite this, Dan has said that we can rest assured that they're doing a lot of good over there and that we can be proud of our country and our military.

My new favorite song of late is called 'Show Me' by Audrey Assad. It's special to me because it's full of beautiful imagery but mostly because it includes mine and Dan's special symbols from God: a tree and a warrior in battle. And it also has water. This song helps me to hope that if I'm ever broken that God will make me into something more beautiful.

You could plant me like a tree beside a river

You could tangle me in soil and let my roots run wild

and I would blossom like a flower in the desert

But for now, just let me cry

You could raise me like a banner in a battle

Put victory like fire behind my shining eyes

I would drift like falling snow over the embers

But for now, just let me lie

Bind up these broken bones

Mercy, bend and breathe me back to life

But not before you show me how to die

Set me like a star before the morning

Like a song that steals the darkness from a world asleep

And I'll illuminate the path you've laid before me

But for now just let me be

Let me go like a leaf upon the water

Let me brave the wild currents flowing to the sea

And I will disappear into a deeper beauty

But for now just stay with me.

I love you husband of my heart.