A Single Mom

I have been a single parent now for 5 days. Even in writing those words, I am so thankful that it is temporary. I'm thankful because I love my husband and can't imagine not being married to him, but also because single parenting is exhausting.

The day after Dan left I got a mild bug of some sort, complete with an overall gross feeling and extreme fatigue. As an anxious type, a lot of my low energy reserve was spent trying not to worry about how I would manage parenting when I could barely keep my eyes open. Thankfully, apart from some difficulty at bedtime, Aiden has not been too much trouble at night. Daytimes are very tiring though and I've been doing very little besides eating and trying to sleep when he sleeps. And I've been watching Top Gear. Normally I'd be watching Star Trek but Dan said that if I watched it without him he'd change our Netflix password so that I couldn't watch Star Trek or Top Gear or "Murder She's Old". Also, I like to maintain trust in our marriage because without it you can't get away with stuff. Like buying your husband an iPad mini for Christmas when it's way over budget. I scored major points for doing that. But in general trust is good and it makes me feel nice when Dan comments on how he doesn't have to worry about what I'll do when he's away. (He doesn't know about how much knitting I've been doing).

The thing I always realize when Dan goes away is how much of my life I share with him. I like sitting in the same room with him doing nothing but if we're feeling really cool we'll play electronic Ticket To Ride together. No talking. I also like that when a thought pops into my head I can share it with him right away instead of having to collect it for later. I like how he listens to me and responds to me even if his word count has run out and he'd rather be watching a movie. I like that he never thinks I'm silly or neurotic and that if he laughs at my quirks, I know that he's laughing out of love because he was so fortunate as to have married someone smarter than him. I like that out of nowhere I can begin a deep discussion and he'll always be attentive to me.

The deep discussion that I'd have with him right now is about abortion. There are articles all over Facebook about the trial of that American doctor who is accused of performing later-term abortions and basically killing babies who have been born alive during abortion procedures. It's a strange thing to face those issues again once you're a mom. What I like about being able to talk to Dan about these issues is that it's personal to us and he knows that. We both understand that it's hard to believe that unwanted babies are being killed because we were so excited for Aiden to be born and neither of us could trace his life back to a point where we felt that he wasn't yet a person and could just be done away with. But Dan's not here, so I carry this alone. (Even as I type this short part, my heart breaks for those helpless little babies who had no one to stand up for them). It's hard to go on after writing that.

I've been in awe of Aiden over the past few days. I feel really blessed by this because it feels like a gift from God that I'm able to enjoy him so much given how much I've struggled to adjust to being a mom. I used to think that he was a difficult baby (and he probably was) but I think in my inexperience I saw him as more challenging than normal. But now he's grown into such a lovely boy. He's so fun to watch when he plays: he wiggles around the floor going after my slippers and my phone, gets stuck under the table, jumps up and down violently in his exersaucer, talks to himself, smiles wide when I look at him, laughs uninhibitedly, sucks his thumb, and grunts when a Ferrari comes on Top Gear (ok, maybe not). He really is such a joy and I love being his mommy.

I am looking forward to being back as a family again though. It's really nice to be part of a family isn't it?

Dear Sweet Boy

Holy moly. I guess at some point I'll have to write a blog post to revisit all the beautiful thoughts I had while I was pregnant and all the ugly thoughts I've had since I became a mom.

But for now...

Yesterday Dan and I were driving home from Ikea with our sweet boy asleep in the back seat (even Aiden is tired out by Ikea) and we got talking about negativity. I made a comment about how easy it is sometimes to be completely negative without even realizing it and I asked him to point it out to me if I ever got into a negativity slump - what can I say? I'm a glutton for punishment. He said gently that I'm not negative in that way but there are times that I act like I'm a victim. I told him that I am a victim - I didn't want to have a baby, he did. But it's not true.

What is true is that I do act like I'm a victim. I do it when I'm up during the night with Aiden for what feels like the millionth time, and when he needs me so much during the day that I barely get time to make myself something to eat. It's not pretty. And for most of my life I've been able to play the victim because things have happened to me that I couldn't control. But not this. Aiden wasn't an accident and although parenting is unexpectedly the toughest thing I've ever done, it was a choice I made. The parenting mirror is definitely bigger than the marriage mirror.

Today is Good Friday. Other years I've had to try hard to get in touch with my sinfulness and the ugly parts of my life, but this year it came easily. I am very aware of how much I need Jesus now because I became a mom. I am very aware that the only hope I have to be a loving and devoted wife and mom is to accept God's sacrifice and redemption. It's pretty uncomfortable to be constantly faced with how incapable you are of doing things on your own. But what's more uncomfortable is the thought that my beautiful baby might grow up feeling like he's the reason that his mom is so unhappy with her life, or that he's the cause of everything that's wrong. My beautiful baby who is a gift from God.

Dear sweet boy - your momma loves you so much that she will gladly listen to your dad when he tells her that she has a bad attitude and she will humbly surrender to God who tells her that she doesn't have to do it on her own - and she'll do it all so that you know how precious and loved you are.

Sabbath-keeping

I am taking a risk by sharing this not because it is surprising or appalling but because I do not know if we (I) will follow through with it. This is how we discovered the life-rhythm that we are going to try and keep:

I picked up Living Prayer by Robert Benson because after Jeremy Bell spoke at our church I really wanted to connect with God and some books just do it for me. In the book Benson talks about how praying through the Book of Common Prayer accomplished a work in him because he prayed it regularly and the practice of it changed him in a way that he didn't expect. He mentioned that many of us put great importance on prayers that are spontaneous and passionate while we miss out on the transformation that comes with praying regularly whether we want to or not. Especially praying prayers that are shared by believers all over the world. Also, the rhythm of praying at certain times of the day marks the passage of time so that you are more aware of your day and more present in it. I mentioned this to Dan, the idea of starting and ending the day with prayer using a prayer book and he seemed immediately excited about it. I ordered Phyllis Tickle's The Divine Hours for Spring and Summer. Benson and one of my favorite women, Barb Mutch, have both commented on how much you feel the absence of a rhythm of prayer once you've lived it for a while.

I remembered that my friend Brendon had given me a book called Living the Christian Year. It fit well because it outlined the seasons of the Christian calendar and had weekly meditations but it didn't have daily prayers so it seemed appropriate to use it as an overarching guide.

After hearing Joyce Rees speak at our work retreat, I felt that it was important to re-instate the practice of Sabbath. For Dan and I, Sabbath runs from Sat midnight to Sunday midnight. We do this so that we are more productive, rested, joyful and so that we remember that we are not God (a thought that is still a shock to me).

This is our rhythm: daily morning and evening prayers, weekly Sunday readings throughout the Christian year, a full Sabbath day.

Yesterday was our first Sabbath day. Sat was full of good productive things that didn't really even feel like work because they were so enjoyable and I felt ready to take a day of rest. Sunday was church day, followed by a lunch of big unhealthy burgers with friends afterwards. I had a long unexpected nap in the afternoon while Dan played a video game. I read a lot and then I started to feel anxious because there was nothing that I really had to do and also because I'm not used to there being such a clear separation between days of work and obligation and days of rest and life-giving things. A somewhat unhealthy supper of Velveeta shells. Then we walked the trail through the trees by our house while Dan kicked a soccer ball and we talked about how natural it felt that we were together and how we couldn't imagine being married to anyone else. I think that's a good way to celebrate if Sabbath is a day of celebration.

We are only a day into the week and already I am having trouble keeping Sabbath free for next Sunday. Keeping the day free means that errands and housework need to be done either on Fri or Sat, which inevitably means that we can't agree to do the 6(!) things that we were invited to do this weekend, which of course means anxiety for me. But also we're introverts so running constantly for two straight days usually results in exhaustion, strained ways of relating to each other and distance from God. And also I'm pregnant so I'm purposely doing even less than normal. Have I even typed those words yet? To my 5 blog followers, I'm pregnant! The one thing that I'm actually looking forward to on Sunday is that Steve Roadhouse from Gull Lake camp is leading worship at our church and I'm really excited because both times that I've been in contact with him I've been incredibly blessed.

So there you are, the rhythm of our life for however long we can keep it.

 

Books, brokenness, truth

Yesterday was a good day. I got 3 books in the mail (God in the Dark by Luci Shaw, The Echo Within and Digging In, both by Robert Benson). I'm halfway through God in the Dark and I remember clearly why I loved it so much the first time. The book is a collection of journal entries by Luci about her husband's journey and eventual death from lung cancer. She writes some beautiful things. I told Dan that I love reading books about real people struggling through tough circumstances because I like to be reminded that God is present in everything and it gives me courage to know that others have doubts but still find reason to trust God. I don't find it morbid; I think that we are more attune to God during times of struggle because we are more helpless, but I also think that pain and suffering connect us to others in a more profound way. Dan and I are different when it comes to these books; he will not read anything that has to do with cancer.

One phrase that Luci recorded was something that her husband said to her when she stopped on the way home to get milk: He said "Do you know why I always like to give you more than you'll need? Because I love you!" This declaration dug deeper the first time that I read it years ago because I had such a chasm of need inside. This time it made me feel thankful because I can picture Dan saying it to me but also because I immediately pictured God saying it to us. We are incredibly blessed right now and I'm not oblivious to it.

I am growing up. I know this because I used to think that in the face of a broken world if a person did or said the right things or spent enough time with God, they could heal anything. I did not understand that brokenness is something that is here to stay until God removes the veil between heaven and earth. I have been remembering my life. I have had to end destructive friendships in order to save myself, but I am still saddened at the loss. I have ended relationships in ministry because of disrespect and struggle, but I wonder if I'd had a different understanding of myself whether I could have persevered. I look back and realize that in my naiveté I made some choices that hurt others and I may never have the chance to bring healing. These are heavy things to carry even when I am free of many of the burdens in my life.

I have always been fond of John 8:32: "Then you will experience for yourselves the truth, and the truth will free you." There are interpretations to this verse that I am not qualified to make, but this is what is has meant for me: When I face the reality of my life for what it is and not for what I want it to be or for what I thought it would be, I am free to deal with it as it is. I can face it head on. When I live honestly (not only free of secrets but also showing my true self), when I can mend past hurts by admitting my faults, when I can speak truth instead of lies - I am free to live without reservation, without blame, without burden. This is something I love about Dan and I. We have shared our secrets and we do not keep new ones. We speak truthfully so that we do not need to spend our time covering up past lies. We work to heal open wounds so that we do not carry around unnecessary regret. This way of living is very special to me because I am freed in thought, in time and in energy to do more important things.

 

Do you like me?

For many complicated reasons, I grew up thinking that it was bad if someone didn't like me. This inevitably led to many years of feeling too unsafe to be myself unless someone first showed me a bit of acceptance. The result was that I was very quiet and didn't want to draw attention to myself so I often probably came across as if I had no personality. I don't remember if I ever went out of my way to make sure that everyone liked me, but I couldn't understand it if I found out that someone didn't like me – after all, if you don't make waves, how can anyone disapprove of you? Still, people found reasons not to like me because I did well in school, or because guys liked me (who knows why), or maybe because I was so darn good at playing the recorder (this is true.) Wanting everyone to like you is a terrible burden.

I'm slowly learning that people don't like you for their own reasons, most commonly because they want to be more like you and it's annoying to want to be like someone else. It's also a fact of life that not all people are compatible. Some people just drive you crazy. And some people don't like you because they make assumptions about who you are and don't actually take the time to find out the truth.

Dan had the same trouble when he was younger and he's taught me to go through a simple thought process when others make comments or judgments about who I am: I ask myself "Does what this person have to say match what I know to be true about myself? Do I trust this person or do I even care what they think based on what I know of them?"

So the reason for my post today is because I'm having trouble getting through a situation with a person for whom I've answered no to the above questions. A couple of posts ago I wrote about a co-worker who had made a condescending remark to me in an email. The actual situation has been addressed with a resolution still pending, however I'm finding it tough to work with someone who thinks that I'm careless or disorganized (insert willy-nilly) or just incompetent. I find myself wondering every time I write down a number or send in paperwork whether I'm giving this person more reason to think that I should be working at McDonalds. It's very uncomfortable. It's unpleasant to feel like one person's actions can overrule whatever anyone else thinks. That's all.

Money Money

This morning I paid off two of my student loans using our some of our income tax refund. They were loans that I've had for probably over 10 years, ones that I took out I think during my first couple years of university. I remember back then that I thought school was a good idea but I had no concept of what it took to pay for it. Getting student loans was an easy thing. Although I don't totally regret going to university, I regret the context in which I decided to go. I wish that I'd had more sense of how much work it would take, how much money it would cost, how long it would take me to be free of the debt, and whether it would really benefit me practically in the long run. Anyway, I still have two big loans left, one of which is for my most recent accounting diploma. I don't mind paying it because I actually really appreciate the skills that it gave me. The one left from university is just an elephant on my back.

I feel really good about how we've been handling our finances. My mom was really good at budgeting when we were growing up, but I somehow grew up without any awareness of what it meant to take care of my money. Before Dan and I got married, Dan had a good job and not a lot to pay for so he was used to having a large amount of disposable income, while I had a decent job and much more debt. When you put the two of us together in a new province, it didn't bode well for our finances. Two books really inspired me to take a hard look at the reality of our money situation: Inside Out by Larry Crabb and Debt Free Forever by Gail Vaz-Oxlade. The first made me realize that if we didn't take our money seriously, one day we would have a crisis and we'd have no financial options with which to deal with it. The second showed me how to start taking control. I really love that book, especially the beginning where you have to assess your current financial situation; I actually tracked every one of our expenses for 6 months to see where we were spending our money. The book actually suggests building a certain type of budget that divides your life into sections with each section taking up a certain amount of your money. Our budget was a bit skewed because our housing costs were so low and our debt was so high, and we created a disbursement schedule so we can divide our bills and savings over the two paydays. It's probably too complicated for most people (I don't mean that condescendingly), but I really like having the detail and knowing that we're not missing anything that will pop up as a surprise later. Dan being overseas really helped our finances, which is nice because if you're going to go through hell, it's nice to come out the other side with a bit of money. We've now paid off our bank loan, our line of credit, 3 of my student loans and our maxed out credit card, we've saved money for our trip to New York and we're only about 2 years away from paying off our car (which was initially financed with terms that no one should agree to).

Anyway, I feel really thankful for Dan. He's worked really hard to earn his money and he shares it with me as if it's mine. He lets me take care of where our money goes and doesn't complain much when I give him a bi-monthly allowance. Mostly though, he's just a great husband. He works hard despite the fact that he works for people who are idiots, he rarely complains about how tough things are because he doesn't want me to worry and he always helps out around the house. He's also my favorite person to talk to because he's smart and logical but he's kind and fair, he's insightful and helpful but he mostly listens to me and lets me figure out life on my own. And he's so funny that I laugh noticeably less when I'm not around him. And there's one more reason, but I can't share it yet. J

Good days

Last night after my awful day I had a delicious supper made by my friends Shane & Mary Jane and I got to hang out for a long time with 4 other great ladies. When Dan and I first moved we really prayed that I'd be surrounded by community while he was training and on deployment. It wasn't long after that that I met Mary Jane and her friendship got me through the tough beginnings. Then I made more friends and last night I realized that I had 4 close friends that I think are just great and I actually have more than that because our small group is great too! I'm so blessed.

It's been two months since The Mustard Seed opened its first low-income apartment building. We've had about 4 tenants so far because the selection process is very specific for very good, important reasons. There are a lot of concerns when you venture into giving this kind of support for people who have been homeless for a significant period of time. I think a lot of people assume that people who are homeless don't know how to take care of their possessions or that they don't respect property. This is true of people from all walks of life. Because restoring dignity is so fundamental to the Mustard Seed's way-of-being, the apartments were renovated to be beautiful, life-giving spaces. When I did the lease signing for one of the tenants, he couldn't get over how much light there was in his apartment. He couldn't stop talking about how he was going to fill it with plants. His last place was so small that he could touch opposite walls with his arms outstretched. One night before the renovations had been completely finished, two of the tenants realized that the contractors had forgotten to put the lock on the door correctly. They stayed up all night watching the door to make sure that no one got in, and this is the sweet part: they didn't tell the female tenant about it because they didn't want her to worry! Every Tuesday we have staff lunch and the staff take turns preparing food for the rest of the staff. Today our community chaplain supervised two of the apartment tenants who made us chicken, roast beef, amazing rice, salad, buns and cake for lunch. They had big smiles on their faces. It's really uplifting to see the joy and hope that radiates out of those who are treated with dignity and given a second chance at living a full life.

Tomorrow Dan is coming home. Those are my favourite days.