Sabbath-keeping

I am taking a risk by sharing this not because it is surprising or appalling but because I do not know if we (I) will follow through with it. This is how we discovered the life-rhythm that we are going to try and keep:

I picked up Living Prayer by Robert Benson because after Jeremy Bell spoke at our church I really wanted to connect with God and some books just do it for me. In the book Benson talks about how praying through the Book of Common Prayer accomplished a work in him because he prayed it regularly and the practice of it changed him in a way that he didn't expect. He mentioned that many of us put great importance on prayers that are spontaneous and passionate while we miss out on the transformation that comes with praying regularly whether we want to or not. Especially praying prayers that are shared by believers all over the world. Also, the rhythm of praying at certain times of the day marks the passage of time so that you are more aware of your day and more present in it. I mentioned this to Dan, the idea of starting and ending the day with prayer using a prayer book and he seemed immediately excited about it. I ordered Phyllis Tickle's The Divine Hours for Spring and Summer. Benson and one of my favorite women, Barb Mutch, have both commented on how much you feel the absence of a rhythm of prayer once you've lived it for a while.

I remembered that my friend Brendon had given me a book called Living the Christian Year. It fit well because it outlined the seasons of the Christian calendar and had weekly meditations but it didn't have daily prayers so it seemed appropriate to use it as an overarching guide.

After hearing Joyce Rees speak at our work retreat, I felt that it was important to re-instate the practice of Sabbath. For Dan and I, Sabbath runs from Sat midnight to Sunday midnight. We do this so that we are more productive, rested, joyful and so that we remember that we are not God (a thought that is still a shock to me).

This is our rhythm: daily morning and evening prayers, weekly Sunday readings throughout the Christian year, a full Sabbath day.

Yesterday was our first Sabbath day. Sat was full of good productive things that didn't really even feel like work because they were so enjoyable and I felt ready to take a day of rest. Sunday was church day, followed by a lunch of big unhealthy burgers with friends afterwards. I had a long unexpected nap in the afternoon while Dan played a video game. I read a lot and then I started to feel anxious because there was nothing that I really had to do and also because I'm not used to there being such a clear separation between days of work and obligation and days of rest and life-giving things. A somewhat unhealthy supper of Velveeta shells. Then we walked the trail through the trees by our house while Dan kicked a soccer ball and we talked about how natural it felt that we were together and how we couldn't imagine being married to anyone else. I think that's a good way to celebrate if Sabbath is a day of celebration.

We are only a day into the week and already I am having trouble keeping Sabbath free for next Sunday. Keeping the day free means that errands and housework need to be done either on Fri or Sat, which inevitably means that we can't agree to do the 6(!) things that we were invited to do this weekend, which of course means anxiety for me. But also we're introverts so running constantly for two straight days usually results in exhaustion, strained ways of relating to each other and distance from God. And also I'm pregnant so I'm purposely doing even less than normal. Have I even typed those words yet? To my 5 blog followers, I'm pregnant! The one thing that I'm actually looking forward to on Sunday is that Steve Roadhouse from Gull Lake camp is leading worship at our church and I'm really excited because both times that I've been in contact with him I've been incredibly blessed.

So there you are, the rhythm of our life for however long we can keep it.

 

Books, brokenness, truth

Yesterday was a good day. I got 3 books in the mail (God in the Dark by Luci Shaw, The Echo Within and Digging In, both by Robert Benson). I'm halfway through God in the Dark and I remember clearly why I loved it so much the first time. The book is a collection of journal entries by Luci about her husband's journey and eventual death from lung cancer. She writes some beautiful things. I told Dan that I love reading books about real people struggling through tough circumstances because I like to be reminded that God is present in everything and it gives me courage to know that others have doubts but still find reason to trust God. I don't find it morbid; I think that we are more attune to God during times of struggle because we are more helpless, but I also think that pain and suffering connect us to others in a more profound way. Dan and I are different when it comes to these books; he will not read anything that has to do with cancer.

One phrase that Luci recorded was something that her husband said to her when she stopped on the way home to get milk: He said "Do you know why I always like to give you more than you'll need? Because I love you!" This declaration dug deeper the first time that I read it years ago because I had such a chasm of need inside. This time it made me feel thankful because I can picture Dan saying it to me but also because I immediately pictured God saying it to us. We are incredibly blessed right now and I'm not oblivious to it.

I am growing up. I know this because I used to think that in the face of a broken world if a person did or said the right things or spent enough time with God, they could heal anything. I did not understand that brokenness is something that is here to stay until God removes the veil between heaven and earth. I have been remembering my life. I have had to end destructive friendships in order to save myself, but I am still saddened at the loss. I have ended relationships in ministry because of disrespect and struggle, but I wonder if I'd had a different understanding of myself whether I could have persevered. I look back and realize that in my naiveté I made some choices that hurt others and I may never have the chance to bring healing. These are heavy things to carry even when I am free of many of the burdens in my life.

I have always been fond of John 8:32: "Then you will experience for yourselves the truth, and the truth will free you." There are interpretations to this verse that I am not qualified to make, but this is what is has meant for me: When I face the reality of my life for what it is and not for what I want it to be or for what I thought it would be, I am free to deal with it as it is. I can face it head on. When I live honestly (not only free of secrets but also showing my true self), when I can mend past hurts by admitting my faults, when I can speak truth instead of lies - I am free to live without reservation, without blame, without burden. This is something I love about Dan and I. We have shared our secrets and we do not keep new ones. We speak truthfully so that we do not need to spend our time covering up past lies. We work to heal open wounds so that we do not carry around unnecessary regret. This way of living is very special to me because I am freed in thought, in time and in energy to do more important things.