Deeply

Has it really been two months since I last wrote a blog post? I suppose I'd have a ways to go if I ever wanted to work as a writer.

As it happens, I am only writing right now because I am deep in God's spirit, overwhelmed with gratitude and overcome with emotion at the absolute beauty of this life. My path to the computer tonight is almost comical in its makeup, yet I feel heavily (and heavenly) surrounded by angels or something of God. I spent most of the day looking at this screen working on our budget and financial plan and updating my resume and looking for jobs. I made waffles for supper because I couldn't find anything else to make on short notice and I've been craving sugar like all get out. I watched an episode of Glee that had to do with faith and it upset me because shows always generalize faith in Jesus and say things that aren't true. It upsets me because people believe those lines and never question whether they're true. On the way back to the computer I stopped at the piano to sing a little and I ended up playing songs from my old Michael W Smith books. It's sometimes funny to revisit songs from when you were 15 because they're out of date in so many ways and so packed with memories in others. I played songs about saying goodbye to good friends and praying for each other and the truth of the words hit me really hard because of the reality of the life we are living. I am deeply in love with our life even though I didn't want to move here and yet I know that we are not here forever. I played songs about being hopelessly tangled in God's love and alive with his breath. These too are things that I am deeply in love with, and they are here forever. For whatever reason, these songs have opened in me a well of grief and gratitude, love and loneliness, fear and courage. They take me back so many years to a time when I was first discovering just how much of my heart I had already given to God and they take me now right to God's feet where I sit with tears streaming down my face at the reality of how far I will go for love of God.

I had planned to embed this in a long blog post about Christmas and other reflections on life, but it is pouring out of me now and nothing will stop it. My dear husband, the love of my life, has heard the call of God and is following the path to become a military chaplain. (sob) In case you're worried, these are tears of joy. I am overwhelmed. I wish that I could express all of the reasons why this makes me cry tears of joy. I will try.

I feel like every particle of my being is bursting with life that can barely be contained, just from being able to witness first hand the intimate work of God in Dan's life. In a short period of time I have watched as God whispered possibilities into Dan's heart, as he asked more firmly for Dan's obedience, as Dan questioned whether he'd heard God's voice, as he gave himself humbly over to God's call and now how he stands securely in love on a road that only God can see. I never want to doubt that God works in the small moments of our lives to bring about things that are beyond our imagination.

I am thankful in a way that leaves me feeling like a grain of sand or a snowflake. Small and insignificant, yet infinitely loved and worthy of blessing beyond anything I could hope for. Out of all that my life has been, out of all the pain and mistakes, out of all the broken relationships and darkness, out of all the ugliness and hopelessness, there is something beautiful being made. I am married to the best man I've ever known. I'm married to him because God knew more than I ever knew about what my life would look like. I'm married to a man who takes risks for love. I'm married to someone who loves God just as much as I do, which seems ordinary, but I know that it's not. I care more about knowing God and having a living faith than I do about anything else in my life. I'm surprised at how much I love God sometimes. I feel close to bursting. My dear husband does not claim to have faith yet live as if God were a stranger. He loves in a way that changes me. He believes who God says he is and he believes what God says is true. He knows what God's voice sounds like and he listens to it. In the midst of war, he still calls me 'darling, precious wife'.

I know that this is not all about me. I feel like I have been given a gift to be able to spend my life serving God with the love of my life. That is something that I didn't know I wanted, but something God knew I needed. What a privilege to be the wife of a chaplain.

Dan and I celebrated our 3^rd wedding anniversary this past December. It's hard to believe that it's been 3 years already. We are so different from who we were as a couple when we got married, yet we are so much more like ourselves. Dan makes me laugh more than anyone else I've ever met. I have relaxed into marriage and I am much more vulnerable. Even in a time when marriages end with little thought or effort, with all we've been through we've seen that perseverance grows beauty, faithfulness is a gift from God and that love never ends. Marrying Dan is the best thing I've ever done and I know that he'd say the same about marrying me. We are together forever: husband, wife and God.