Dan is safely in Valcartier, QC after a long day of travel - and by long I mean up by 2 am and not in bed until late with the time change. His accommodations are mediocre and consist of a 3 person room with 2 mature roommates, communal showers and not-so-horrible mess food. Unfortunately the whole place apparently smells like pee. Fortunately, he calls me from the pee smelling building using a payphone with doors and nowhere to sit down.
I am struggling with anxiety today. I feel unsafe when Dan isn't around - not physically unsafe of course, I'm sure our birds would scare anyone away - but safe in a 'not sure that I can handle what life throws at me' kind of way. I feel unsettled with so much change on the horizon and so much uncertainty in day-to-day life. Today the heavy sadness has lifted a bit, but it's only day 1 really and there's still a pervasive feeling of grief somewhere inside of me. Dan is such a sweet husband and I feel like nothing is quite as good as being with him.
One area of anxiety for me is finding a church in Edmonton. We've been looking half-heartedly since July but the process is difficult when Dan is away. I prefer to spend Sundays at home resting rather than visiting random churches by myself. I have made a list now, but my heart isn't in it when it's just me. On top of that, I don't really know what I'm looking for at this point and it's frustrating. The biggest problem with all of this is that I'm suffering more everyday from the lack of community. Although I like being alone, I'm starting to notice signs that I need somewhere to belong: I am critical with people, I have little energy, I feel less joy. The catch is that finding community takes time, even if you've settled somewhere, and I am definitely not settled. And not only that but as the months go by, Afghanistan looms closer and I will not survive it without friends and a church.
For some reason before both of Dan's trips I had run ins with Chris Tomlin's version of Amazing Grace. Both times I felt undone by the 3rd verse:
The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures
I really don't know why yet. Maybe because I often wonder what good things there are in store for me here. I'm living in a city with few friends and I'm approaching an extended time away from the love of my life in which we'll talk less and see each other less than we have in years. Maybe because I haven't been able to figure out yet what my life is going to look like and who I am in this life I'm living. Still, I believe that the first line is true and that good has been promised to me even if I can't look 12 months ahead and see it (heck, I can't even see it next week) and I feel somehow undone by the fact that my heart responds to a promise that my eyes can't see.
I know what it is. I wish I could write this beautifully but I fear that it will be pieced together, just as I am. Dan being away has left me feeling incredibly vulnerable. It seems that I've rested many of my hopes on our life together. After all, he has loved me into my future (I read that expression once in reference to how God loves us but it fits here as well as Dan has loved me that way). He taught me to love myself and stand up for myself; he saw beauty in me when it wasn't easy to see; he believed in the person I would become; he loves me in action and words; he makes me want to be better. It's incredibly difficult to give your heart to a person and still rest all your hopes first and foremost on God. Being away from him has been a constant reminder that life is fragile. I so often feel, when people I love are close and when I have 4 walls around me, that life will somehow go on forever. Even if there is no danger in us being apart, the truth is that if something happened to him, all I would have left is God. I'm not ready to be without him. I want a long life growing old with him. But I can't help but come to terms with the fact that it is God who will still be with me if our fragile life ends. I can't tell now where my sadness belongs. I miss my husband immensely and I feel that I need to let God have his place. I don't know how to do this.
Goodnight, my dear. You make me happier than I ever thought I could be.
No comments:
Post a Comment