But for now...
Yesterday Dan and I were driving home from Ikea with our
sweet boy asleep in the back seat (even Aiden is tired out by Ikea) and we got
talking about negativity. I made a comment about how easy it is sometimes to be
completely negative without even realizing it and I asked him to point it out
to me if I ever got into a negativity slump - what can I say? I'm a glutton for
punishment. He said gently that I'm not negative in that way but there are
times that I act like I'm a victim. I told him that I am a victim - I didn't
want to have a baby, he did. But it's not true.
What is true is that I do act like I'm a victim. I do it
when I'm up during the night with Aiden for what feels like the millionth time,
and when he needs me so much during the day that I barely get time to make
myself something to eat. It's not pretty. And for most of my life I've been
able to play the victim because things have happened to me that I couldn't
control. But not this. Aiden wasn't an accident and although parenting is unexpectedly
the toughest thing I've ever done, it was a choice I made. The parenting mirror
is definitely bigger than the marriage mirror.
Today is Good Friday. Other years I've had to try hard to
get in touch with my sinfulness and the ugly parts of my life, but this year it
came easily. I am very aware of how much I need Jesus now because I became a
mom. I am very aware that the only hope I have to be a loving and devoted wife
and mom is to accept God's sacrifice and redemption. It's pretty uncomfortable
to be constantly faced with how incapable you are of doing things on your own.
But what's more uncomfortable is the thought that my beautiful baby might grow
up feeling like he's the reason that his mom is so unhappy with her life, or
that he's the cause of everything that's wrong. My beautiful baby who is a gift
from God.
Dear sweet boy - your momma loves you so much that she will
gladly listen to your dad when he tells her that she has a bad attitude and she
will humbly surrender to God who tells her that she doesn't have to do it on
her own - and she'll do it all so that you know how precious and loved you are.
