A Single Mom

I have been a single parent now for 5 days. Even in writing those words, I am so thankful that it is temporary. I'm thankful because I love my husband and can't imagine not being married to him, but also because single parenting is exhausting.

The day after Dan left I got a mild bug of some sort, complete with an overall gross feeling and extreme fatigue. As an anxious type, a lot of my low energy reserve was spent trying not to worry about how I would manage parenting when I could barely keep my eyes open. Thankfully, apart from some difficulty at bedtime, Aiden has not been too much trouble at night. Daytimes are very tiring though and I've been doing very little besides eating and trying to sleep when he sleeps. And I've been watching Top Gear. Normally I'd be watching Star Trek but Dan said that if I watched it without him he'd change our Netflix password so that I couldn't watch Star Trek or Top Gear or "Murder She's Old". Also, I like to maintain trust in our marriage because without it you can't get away with stuff. Like buying your husband an iPad mini for Christmas when it's way over budget. I scored major points for doing that. But in general trust is good and it makes me feel nice when Dan comments on how he doesn't have to worry about what I'll do when he's away. (He doesn't know about how much knitting I've been doing).

The thing I always realize when Dan goes away is how much of my life I share with him. I like sitting in the same room with him doing nothing but if we're feeling really cool we'll play electronic Ticket To Ride together. No talking. I also like that when a thought pops into my head I can share it with him right away instead of having to collect it for later. I like how he listens to me and responds to me even if his word count has run out and he'd rather be watching a movie. I like that he never thinks I'm silly or neurotic and that if he laughs at my quirks, I know that he's laughing out of love because he was so fortunate as to have married someone smarter than him. I like that out of nowhere I can begin a deep discussion and he'll always be attentive to me.

The deep discussion that I'd have with him right now is about abortion. There are articles all over Facebook about the trial of that American doctor who is accused of performing later-term abortions and basically killing babies who have been born alive during abortion procedures. It's a strange thing to face those issues again once you're a mom. What I like about being able to talk to Dan about these issues is that it's personal to us and he knows that. We both understand that it's hard to believe that unwanted babies are being killed because we were so excited for Aiden to be born and neither of us could trace his life back to a point where we felt that he wasn't yet a person and could just be done away with. But Dan's not here, so I carry this alone. (Even as I type this short part, my heart breaks for those helpless little babies who had no one to stand up for them). It's hard to go on after writing that.

I've been in awe of Aiden over the past few days. I feel really blessed by this because it feels like a gift from God that I'm able to enjoy him so much given how much I've struggled to adjust to being a mom. I used to think that he was a difficult baby (and he probably was) but I think in my inexperience I saw him as more challenging than normal. But now he's grown into such a lovely boy. He's so fun to watch when he plays: he wiggles around the floor going after my slippers and my phone, gets stuck under the table, jumps up and down violently in his exersaucer, talks to himself, smiles wide when I look at him, laughs uninhibitedly, sucks his thumb, and grunts when a Ferrari comes on Top Gear (ok, maybe not). He really is such a joy and I love being his mommy.

I am looking forward to being back as a family again though. It's really nice to be part of a family isn't it?

Dear Sweet Boy

Holy moly. I guess at some point I'll have to write a blog post to revisit all the beautiful thoughts I had while I was pregnant and all the ugly thoughts I've had since I became a mom.

But for now...

Yesterday Dan and I were driving home from Ikea with our sweet boy asleep in the back seat (even Aiden is tired out by Ikea) and we got talking about negativity. I made a comment about how easy it is sometimes to be completely negative without even realizing it and I asked him to point it out to me if I ever got into a negativity slump - what can I say? I'm a glutton for punishment. He said gently that I'm not negative in that way but there are times that I act like I'm a victim. I told him that I am a victim - I didn't want to have a baby, he did. But it's not true.

What is true is that I do act like I'm a victim. I do it when I'm up during the night with Aiden for what feels like the millionth time, and when he needs me so much during the day that I barely get time to make myself something to eat. It's not pretty. And for most of my life I've been able to play the victim because things have happened to me that I couldn't control. But not this. Aiden wasn't an accident and although parenting is unexpectedly the toughest thing I've ever done, it was a choice I made. The parenting mirror is definitely bigger than the marriage mirror.

Today is Good Friday. Other years I've had to try hard to get in touch with my sinfulness and the ugly parts of my life, but this year it came easily. I am very aware of how much I need Jesus now because I became a mom. I am very aware that the only hope I have to be a loving and devoted wife and mom is to accept God's sacrifice and redemption. It's pretty uncomfortable to be constantly faced with how incapable you are of doing things on your own. But what's more uncomfortable is the thought that my beautiful baby might grow up feeling like he's the reason that his mom is so unhappy with her life, or that he's the cause of everything that's wrong. My beautiful baby who is a gift from God.

Dear sweet boy - your momma loves you so much that she will gladly listen to your dad when he tells her that she has a bad attitude and she will humbly surrender to God who tells her that she doesn't have to do it on her own - and she'll do it all so that you know how precious and loved you are.